Saturday, November 30, 2002
“Alam mo, Twinkle, bilib ako sa ‘yo…buti nakaya mo pang pumasok ngayon. Kasi kung ako, hindi na siguro…”
That was one of the things one of my friends told me when I came to school crying. Yes, I had my eyes all red and puffed. I had spent the night crying and not getting any sleep for that matter.
Now what happened?
The night before (Thursday), I was texting a friend and busily making my homework. I was supposed to finish my term paper that night, and I have four quizzes the following day. I was dead tired because I haven’t got a decent sleep for the past few days, and I’ve been running a fever since Tuesday. Only, I did not find the time to rest nor take even a day of absence because I don’t have the time for it. My requirements demand that I make them regardless of what I’m feeling.
Suddenly, I heard shouting outside, and I got a very bad feeling. Those were the voices of my father, my mother, and my eldest sister. I told my friend that I will have to talk later, because I have to see what’s going on, and I’m afraid that it was not going to be pleasant.
I went out of my room and I have to quickly draw back, because my father was barreling through, dragging my sister with him. My mother followed them to their bedroom, and slammed the door. Alarmed, I placed my ear on the door and listened.
According to my sister (younger than me), my parents fetched my ate from school. When she came inside the car, she was texting like crazy. My father told her to stop that, but she didn’t listen. After sometime, my father suddenly grabbed her phone and tucked it inside his pocket. They drove in silence. While they were in the highway, my sister suddenly attacked my father to get her phone. Goodness. They were almost killed because my father was driving at the time. Tangina, ano bang meron sa telepono niya na ayaw niyang pakita? When they got home, my father opened her phone and read the messages inside her inbox.
Damn. They just found out that my eldest sister is having a relationship with a lesbian. And mind you, not an ordinary lesbian. The lesbian is working for one of the clients of my father, also one of his kumpare. She’s been to our house many times, to fix our computers and some things concerning electricity. She and my father are friends, so to speak. When my father found out that night that she and my sister are cavorting behind his back, under his nose, he got a blow. That was a damn betrayal.
For crying out loud, my sister is only eighteen, and she’s what – thirty five! Suddenly, the situation regarding my ex-best friend came into my mind. Damn, damn, damn.
I was crying then, as I listened to them. They were all shouting, and my sister was not budging. She was fighting and answering back. I heard my father slap her, and slap her he did. I heard it many times and I flinched at each one. I heard my mother telling him to stop, but he didn’t. My sister was crying but still, she answered back. I was pleading then, telling her to back down, to stop fighting him. Even my other sisters were crying. I heard a shout, and I could not take it, so I opened the door. I found my sister in bed and my father wringing her neck. I ran to my father and tried to held him back. My sisters and I pulled him off her. I was afraid of getting hit too, and I was mad at my sister for what she did, but I did not wish her to be beaten to death. We were all crying, except my father, but he was all red, and he was heaving. He was very, very, very mad. He shouted for us to go out. We brought him out with us.
My father was hurting I know, because as far as this is concerned, he is the most affected. Weeks ago, he and my sister had a heart-to-heart talk. He was asking her if he needed to know anything – if she has a relationship with someone or what, if she is hiding something, etc. My sister pacified his mind. He was happy then, because he got the chance to speak personally with my eldest sister, his favorite (I know that without him telling me, because I can see it). He said he need not worry now because he trusts her implicitly. I, sensing something wrong, told him not believe everything. It could be that my sister is still hiding something. He wouldn’t listen to me. Now that he has found this, he feels betrayed and used. To a parent, I know that this will be a failure on his part because he had done everything to raise us as good and honest women, with the best sense of values.
My sister, I don’t know what’s come over her. After being beaten like that, she managed to get up, go to our room, and text that damn lesbian to warn her of what happened. She used my phone without permission. Then she got a bag, then told us that she will just leave the house, leave us all. Maglalayas daw siya. And for me, that was damn arrogant of her. After providing her with everything – from the best college educational plan to a school which has the highest tuition fee in the country (UA&P), ganun-ganun na lang ang sasabihin niya. Aalis na daw siya dahil ayaw na daw niya dito sa men. Hindi na ren daw niya kaya dun sa eskwelahan niya. I asked her what about us, her sisters and her family, she told me: Pakialam ko sa inyo. And I could just tell her – Damn you! How dare you say that to me, to us? You were provided everything! If you take a look at us four sisters, you are the most privileged here, because you are the eldest! Did you think everything that they spend for your needs is free? Eh tangina, sino ba ate dito? Matatawag ka pa bang ate niyan? Ikaw ang pinakamatanda sa ating lahat pero hindi ka nag-iisip! San ka pupunta? Itatapon mo na lang ang kinabukasan mo? Ang yabang mo! Kala mo malayo na mararating mo, bakit may pera ka ba para mabuhay nang mag-isa? Ano bang ginawa sa yo ng mga magulang mo para magkaganyan ka? Binigay na nga sayo lahat eh! Ang selfish mo! Sarili mo lang iniisip mo! Kung lalayas ka lang at hindi mo na ipagpapatuloy ang pag-aaral mo, sana hindi ka na lang talaga nag-college! Sinayang mo lang yung plano! Pwede ko pa sana gamitin yun! Ako, ako na nag-aaral ng mabuti kasi nahihiya ako sa mga magulang ko dahil ang daming hirap ang iginugol nila para makapag-aral ako, hindi pwede and educational plan sa private universities! Class B lang yung aken, pang-public lang. Kung magpa-private university ako, kelangan pa nilang magbayad pa. Akala mo ba mura ang tuition ngayon? Akala mo ba mayaman tayo? Sa UST ka pinapag-aral pero ayaw mo dun, gusto mo sa UA&P na ang mahal mahal. Sinunod lahat ng gusto mo! Binili lahat sa yo samantalang kami ng mga kapatid mo wala! Tapos ngayon sasabihin mo hindi mo na kaya don? Na ayaw mo na? Anong klase ka? Palibhasa kasi kaya nagsisibabaan ang grades mo, hindi ka naman nag-aaral! Wala kang ginawa kundi atupagin yang tibo na yan! Niloko niyo lang kaming lahat!
I was really crying then, pleading her not to go. She struck me, because I was blocking her way, but I did not budge. I got out of the room and locked the door. She was shouting, screaming at us – to let her go. She doesn’t want to be with us.
When my other sister who is younger than me came into the room, my sister told her a shocking truth – that our youngest sister, is only our half-sister. When we were kids, our mother had an affair with an office mate, and she got pregnant. To make the long story short, the father of our younger sister was another man. I wasn’t shocked, because I knew of this a long time ago, when I was only ten. Only difference was, my parents didn’t know that I know. I try for it not to affect me, and I’ve survived until today. I just couldn’t bear the look of disbelief and pain in my younger sister’s face when she found out about it. She got out of the room immediately. I faced my eldest sister and told her, anong gusto mong palabasin? Bakit kailangan mong guluhin yung utak ng bata, eh nananahimik yun? Kailangan mo bang gumanti ngayon sa mga magulang mo kasi nabunyag na yung sikreto mo? Kailangan mo rin sirain yung paniniwala ng bata sa mga magulang niya? Anong purpose mo? Tapos na yun eh. Anong klase ka? Ikaw ang involved dito, hindi sila! Ang immature mo! Parang hindi kita ate!
I found my mother in her room, crying. I found my sisters in their room, crying too. I found my father in his office. He was holding a canister of wine, drinking himself to a stupor. And he was crying too. Damn. I told him to take it easy. Eventually he put the flask away, went to the bedroom, slept.
I was crying too. I cried so hard. My head was aching, and I could not do any homework. My mind could not concentrate. My mother came out briefly and told me to watch out for my sister since she might attempt to go out when all of us were asleep.
And it figures, I did not get to sleep that night. I was crying all night long. I did not get to make my term paper, nor study for the four quizzes.
The next morning, my father told my sister that she is not going to school anymore. She retaliated by having a hunger strike the whole day.
When I got to school, my friends couldn’t help but notice me. I can’t tell them. I only cried. I got a headache, and I couldn’t keep up. I was running a fever the whole day again, but I refuse to go to the clinic and miss my classes. I flunked all my tests, and I didn’t get to pass my term paper. Later in the afternoon, I’ve still got a meeting, so I wasn’t able to go home and rest. When I got home I was planning to do more homework but I fell asleep.
This morning, my sister again attempted to go out. We stopped her of course. In her pocket we found money, a few of her friend’s numbers, and pictures of that damn lesbian. We also found out that she had already set up her own bank account and she had an ATM card. And the gall, she handed them all to the lesbian! Shit. Shit talaga.
My father was once again enraged, and he beat her again. This time, he managed not only to hurt her, but also me, who was holding him and preventing him on doing something we might all regret. Until now, my chest hurts. He managed to hit me there accidentally.
Then his voice broke and he told her, “Akala mo ba ninanakaw ko yang perang pinambabayad ko sa edukasyon mo? Kala mo hindi ko pinaghihirapan yan lahat? Nagsikap akong mabigay sa yo lahat tapos ganito lang? Akala mo ba libre yan lahat? Putangina mo, panganay pa naman kita! Lahat na pinagkatiwala at binigay ko sayo! Tapos ganito lang? Nag-usap na tayo dati ah. Pinagtatawanan mo lang ako siguro nun noh, dahil naniwala ako sa mga kasinungalingan mo? Anong klase ka, hayop ka!”
I was hurting for my father, and also my sister, but I do not know what to do. I was once again crying. I could not stop. Even tonight, as I write this. Now, all the extra responsibility falls on me. As the second child, I am to be the eldest now. I do not know if I can handle this together with the pressures in school as the editor-in-chief of the school paper. I am also staggering to put my grades up. I had a downslide due to what happened with my ex-best friend. My parents are also expecting me to be on the honor roll this graduation. And I can’t. No matter how I tried, I can’t.
For the love of God, why does this have to happen now? Now, when Christmas is just weeks away? Will we ever be a family again? I believe in shooting stars and Santa Claus and miracles. Pero ewan ko kung may lakas pa ako para maniwala pa. Ayoko na, pagod na rin ako. Am I starting to be disillusioned by life? Is this what happens to make you stop believing?
I knew it. I was happy a few weeks ago. Still there was an underlying fear that it might not last. And I was right. I’m resigned to this fact now, I can accept it. I do not anymore wish for my own happiness, because every time I do, and every time that it comes true, the pain that will come hurtling back will be much more than I could take. This is the price I have to pay by wishing to be happy. Maybe I’m doomed not to be happy. So please, stay away from me. I’m bad luck.
I do not long how long I could keep on going on. Even if my mind is still conditioned not to fail me, my body and my heart is. I’m bone tired. Even my soul is tired.
Is there a God?
...
This is a very private matter to me. I only put it up because I need to vent. I will eventually delete this post, but for now, I will let my friends read what I could not manage to say. Please, be discreet. I am hurting now, and I do not wish to take more problems, if ever.
That was one of the things one of my friends told me when I came to school crying. Yes, I had my eyes all red and puffed. I had spent the night crying and not getting any sleep for that matter.
Now what happened?
The night before (Thursday), I was texting a friend and busily making my homework. I was supposed to finish my term paper that night, and I have four quizzes the following day. I was dead tired because I haven’t got a decent sleep for the past few days, and I’ve been running a fever since Tuesday. Only, I did not find the time to rest nor take even a day of absence because I don’t have the time for it. My requirements demand that I make them regardless of what I’m feeling.
Suddenly, I heard shouting outside, and I got a very bad feeling. Those were the voices of my father, my mother, and my eldest sister. I told my friend that I will have to talk later, because I have to see what’s going on, and I’m afraid that it was not going to be pleasant.
I went out of my room and I have to quickly draw back, because my father was barreling through, dragging my sister with him. My mother followed them to their bedroom, and slammed the door. Alarmed, I placed my ear on the door and listened.
According to my sister (younger than me), my parents fetched my ate from school. When she came inside the car, she was texting like crazy. My father told her to stop that, but she didn’t listen. After sometime, my father suddenly grabbed her phone and tucked it inside his pocket. They drove in silence. While they were in the highway, my sister suddenly attacked my father to get her phone. Goodness. They were almost killed because my father was driving at the time. Tangina, ano bang meron sa telepono niya na ayaw niyang pakita? When they got home, my father opened her phone and read the messages inside her inbox.
Damn. They just found out that my eldest sister is having a relationship with a lesbian. And mind you, not an ordinary lesbian. The lesbian is working for one of the clients of my father, also one of his kumpare. She’s been to our house many times, to fix our computers and some things concerning electricity. She and my father are friends, so to speak. When my father found out that night that she and my sister are cavorting behind his back, under his nose, he got a blow. That was a damn betrayal.
For crying out loud, my sister is only eighteen, and she’s what – thirty five! Suddenly, the situation regarding my ex-best friend came into my mind. Damn, damn, damn.
I was crying then, as I listened to them. They were all shouting, and my sister was not budging. She was fighting and answering back. I heard my father slap her, and slap her he did. I heard it many times and I flinched at each one. I heard my mother telling him to stop, but he didn’t. My sister was crying but still, she answered back. I was pleading then, telling her to back down, to stop fighting him. Even my other sisters were crying. I heard a shout, and I could not take it, so I opened the door. I found my sister in bed and my father wringing her neck. I ran to my father and tried to held him back. My sisters and I pulled him off her. I was afraid of getting hit too, and I was mad at my sister for what she did, but I did not wish her to be beaten to death. We were all crying, except my father, but he was all red, and he was heaving. He was very, very, very mad. He shouted for us to go out. We brought him out with us.
My father was hurting I know, because as far as this is concerned, he is the most affected. Weeks ago, he and my sister had a heart-to-heart talk. He was asking her if he needed to know anything – if she has a relationship with someone or what, if she is hiding something, etc. My sister pacified his mind. He was happy then, because he got the chance to speak personally with my eldest sister, his favorite (I know that without him telling me, because I can see it). He said he need not worry now because he trusts her implicitly. I, sensing something wrong, told him not believe everything. It could be that my sister is still hiding something. He wouldn’t listen to me. Now that he has found this, he feels betrayed and used. To a parent, I know that this will be a failure on his part because he had done everything to raise us as good and honest women, with the best sense of values.
My sister, I don’t know what’s come over her. After being beaten like that, she managed to get up, go to our room, and text that damn lesbian to warn her of what happened. She used my phone without permission. Then she got a bag, then told us that she will just leave the house, leave us all. Maglalayas daw siya. And for me, that was damn arrogant of her. After providing her with everything – from the best college educational plan to a school which has the highest tuition fee in the country (UA&P), ganun-ganun na lang ang sasabihin niya. Aalis na daw siya dahil ayaw na daw niya dito sa men. Hindi na ren daw niya kaya dun sa eskwelahan niya. I asked her what about us, her sisters and her family, she told me: Pakialam ko sa inyo. And I could just tell her – Damn you! How dare you say that to me, to us? You were provided everything! If you take a look at us four sisters, you are the most privileged here, because you are the eldest! Did you think everything that they spend for your needs is free? Eh tangina, sino ba ate dito? Matatawag ka pa bang ate niyan? Ikaw ang pinakamatanda sa ating lahat pero hindi ka nag-iisip! San ka pupunta? Itatapon mo na lang ang kinabukasan mo? Ang yabang mo! Kala mo malayo na mararating mo, bakit may pera ka ba para mabuhay nang mag-isa? Ano bang ginawa sa yo ng mga magulang mo para magkaganyan ka? Binigay na nga sayo lahat eh! Ang selfish mo! Sarili mo lang iniisip mo! Kung lalayas ka lang at hindi mo na ipagpapatuloy ang pag-aaral mo, sana hindi ka na lang talaga nag-college! Sinayang mo lang yung plano! Pwede ko pa sana gamitin yun! Ako, ako na nag-aaral ng mabuti kasi nahihiya ako sa mga magulang ko dahil ang daming hirap ang iginugol nila para makapag-aral ako, hindi pwede and educational plan sa private universities! Class B lang yung aken, pang-public lang. Kung magpa-private university ako, kelangan pa nilang magbayad pa. Akala mo ba mura ang tuition ngayon? Akala mo ba mayaman tayo? Sa UST ka pinapag-aral pero ayaw mo dun, gusto mo sa UA&P na ang mahal mahal. Sinunod lahat ng gusto mo! Binili lahat sa yo samantalang kami ng mga kapatid mo wala! Tapos ngayon sasabihin mo hindi mo na kaya don? Na ayaw mo na? Anong klase ka? Palibhasa kasi kaya nagsisibabaan ang grades mo, hindi ka naman nag-aaral! Wala kang ginawa kundi atupagin yang tibo na yan! Niloko niyo lang kaming lahat!
I was really crying then, pleading her not to go. She struck me, because I was blocking her way, but I did not budge. I got out of the room and locked the door. She was shouting, screaming at us – to let her go. She doesn’t want to be with us.
When my other sister who is younger than me came into the room, my sister told her a shocking truth – that our youngest sister, is only our half-sister. When we were kids, our mother had an affair with an office mate, and she got pregnant. To make the long story short, the father of our younger sister was another man. I wasn’t shocked, because I knew of this a long time ago, when I was only ten. Only difference was, my parents didn’t know that I know. I try for it not to affect me, and I’ve survived until today. I just couldn’t bear the look of disbelief and pain in my younger sister’s face when she found out about it. She got out of the room immediately. I faced my eldest sister and told her, anong gusto mong palabasin? Bakit kailangan mong guluhin yung utak ng bata, eh nananahimik yun? Kailangan mo bang gumanti ngayon sa mga magulang mo kasi nabunyag na yung sikreto mo? Kailangan mo rin sirain yung paniniwala ng bata sa mga magulang niya? Anong purpose mo? Tapos na yun eh. Anong klase ka? Ikaw ang involved dito, hindi sila! Ang immature mo! Parang hindi kita ate!
I found my mother in her room, crying. I found my sisters in their room, crying too. I found my father in his office. He was holding a canister of wine, drinking himself to a stupor. And he was crying too. Damn. I told him to take it easy. Eventually he put the flask away, went to the bedroom, slept.
I was crying too. I cried so hard. My head was aching, and I could not do any homework. My mind could not concentrate. My mother came out briefly and told me to watch out for my sister since she might attempt to go out when all of us were asleep.
And it figures, I did not get to sleep that night. I was crying all night long. I did not get to make my term paper, nor study for the four quizzes.
The next morning, my father told my sister that she is not going to school anymore. She retaliated by having a hunger strike the whole day.
When I got to school, my friends couldn’t help but notice me. I can’t tell them. I only cried. I got a headache, and I couldn’t keep up. I was running a fever the whole day again, but I refuse to go to the clinic and miss my classes. I flunked all my tests, and I didn’t get to pass my term paper. Later in the afternoon, I’ve still got a meeting, so I wasn’t able to go home and rest. When I got home I was planning to do more homework but I fell asleep.
This morning, my sister again attempted to go out. We stopped her of course. In her pocket we found money, a few of her friend’s numbers, and pictures of that damn lesbian. We also found out that she had already set up her own bank account and she had an ATM card. And the gall, she handed them all to the lesbian! Shit. Shit talaga.
My father was once again enraged, and he beat her again. This time, he managed not only to hurt her, but also me, who was holding him and preventing him on doing something we might all regret. Until now, my chest hurts. He managed to hit me there accidentally.
Then his voice broke and he told her, “Akala mo ba ninanakaw ko yang perang pinambabayad ko sa edukasyon mo? Kala mo hindi ko pinaghihirapan yan lahat? Nagsikap akong mabigay sa yo lahat tapos ganito lang? Akala mo ba libre yan lahat? Putangina mo, panganay pa naman kita! Lahat na pinagkatiwala at binigay ko sayo! Tapos ganito lang? Nag-usap na tayo dati ah. Pinagtatawanan mo lang ako siguro nun noh, dahil naniwala ako sa mga kasinungalingan mo? Anong klase ka, hayop ka!”
I was hurting for my father, and also my sister, but I do not know what to do. I was once again crying. I could not stop. Even tonight, as I write this. Now, all the extra responsibility falls on me. As the second child, I am to be the eldest now. I do not know if I can handle this together with the pressures in school as the editor-in-chief of the school paper. I am also staggering to put my grades up. I had a downslide due to what happened with my ex-best friend. My parents are also expecting me to be on the honor roll this graduation. And I can’t. No matter how I tried, I can’t.
For the love of God, why does this have to happen now? Now, when Christmas is just weeks away? Will we ever be a family again? I believe in shooting stars and Santa Claus and miracles. Pero ewan ko kung may lakas pa ako para maniwala pa. Ayoko na, pagod na rin ako. Am I starting to be disillusioned by life? Is this what happens to make you stop believing?
I knew it. I was happy a few weeks ago. Still there was an underlying fear that it might not last. And I was right. I’m resigned to this fact now, I can accept it. I do not anymore wish for my own happiness, because every time I do, and every time that it comes true, the pain that will come hurtling back will be much more than I could take. This is the price I have to pay by wishing to be happy. Maybe I’m doomed not to be happy. So please, stay away from me. I’m bad luck.
I do not long how long I could keep on going on. Even if my mind is still conditioned not to fail me, my body and my heart is. I’m bone tired. Even my soul is tired.
Is there a God?
...
This is a very private matter to me. I only put it up because I need to vent. I will eventually delete this post, but for now, I will let my friends read what I could not manage to say. Please, be discreet. I am hurting now, and I do not wish to take more problems, if ever.
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
I Stayed Up Late and I Couldn't Stop Crying
You know how it is about me - how I go on sleeping late and torture myself with stress. I'm a glutton for punishment, so sue me.
Tonight though, I got a little backtracked. Well, maybe two hours worth of it. I sat in front of the television, and at one o'clock way past midnight, I bawled my eyes out while watching a movie. I know. Call me sappy. Call me anything you want, but I DO cry at these things.
I am at most sentimental, and very sensitive. I'm soft-hearted, and often feel things deeply. This one really hit me. I dont know if it has anything to do with what has been happening to my life for the past week, or to the fact that I was alone and it was midnight and it was a very good time to vent out my feelings by crying, or to the sadness and feeling of emptiness that has been nagging me for the past few MONTHS.
Frankly, I dont know what I'm looking for, but I know I'm searching for something. To feel this void inside me, maybe?
Two hours have gone. The movie is over. But I'm still crying, I dont know why. Yes, I know, pathetic. If a guy can stand me like this, and can sit through the whole flick with me holding my hand while crying my heart out at sappy movies - Lord help me, I'm going to love him forever.
If he can put up with my moments of silliness and stupidity, if he can endure my crankiness and moodiness without so much as a complaint, if he can continue to surprise me with little things, if he can make me smile always with his thoughtfulness, if he can make me feel special and beautiful without doubting his words and actions - I'm going to be in so deep.
If he can see that I drown in sweetness and would welcome it willingly if the chance comes, if he can just look at me and I will know that I am loved, if I look all around me and see that everything in my world is going as I would have like because he's in my world - then oh, forgive me, I really am going to fall.
*sigh* Somehow the movie penetrated through my heart tonight. I am so lonely. =( God. Make this stop.
...
ONLY TIME
Enya
Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows - only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose - only time
Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies - only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies - only time
Who can say when the roads meet
That love might be in your heart
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart
Night keeps, all your heart
Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose - only time
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, - only time
Who knows - only time
Who knows - only time...
You know how it is about me - how I go on sleeping late and torture myself with stress. I'm a glutton for punishment, so sue me.
Tonight though, I got a little backtracked. Well, maybe two hours worth of it. I sat in front of the television, and at one o'clock way past midnight, I bawled my eyes out while watching a movie. I know. Call me sappy. Call me anything you want, but I DO cry at these things.
I am at most sentimental, and very sensitive. I'm soft-hearted, and often feel things deeply. This one really hit me. I dont know if it has anything to do with what has been happening to my life for the past week, or to the fact that I was alone and it was midnight and it was a very good time to vent out my feelings by crying, or to the sadness and feeling of emptiness that has been nagging me for the past few MONTHS.
Frankly, I dont know what I'm looking for, but I know I'm searching for something. To feel this void inside me, maybe?
Two hours have gone. The movie is over. But I'm still crying, I dont know why. Yes, I know, pathetic. If a guy can stand me like this, and can sit through the whole flick with me holding my hand while crying my heart out at sappy movies - Lord help me, I'm going to love him forever.
If he can put up with my moments of silliness and stupidity, if he can endure my crankiness and moodiness without so much as a complaint, if he can continue to surprise me with little things, if he can make me smile always with his thoughtfulness, if he can make me feel special and beautiful without doubting his words and actions - I'm going to be in so deep.
If he can see that I drown in sweetness and would welcome it willingly if the chance comes, if he can just look at me and I will know that I am loved, if I look all around me and see that everything in my world is going as I would have like because he's in my world - then oh, forgive me, I really am going to fall.
*sigh* Somehow the movie penetrated through my heart tonight. I am so lonely. =( God. Make this stop.
...
ONLY TIME
Enya
Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows - only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose - only time
Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies - only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies - only time
Who can say when the roads meet
That love might be in your heart
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart
Night keeps, all your heart
Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose - only time
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, - only time
Who knows - only time
Who knows - only time...
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
I Could Fall In Love
Artist: Selena
Soundtrack: Selena (1997)
I could lose my heart tonight
If you don't turn and walk away
Cause the way I feel I might
Lose control and let you stay
Cause I could take you in my arms
And never let go
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
I can only wonder how
Touching you would make me feel
But if I take that chance right now
Tomorrow will you want me still
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you down
Chorus:
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
And I know it's not right
But I guess I should try
To do what I should do
But I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you down
Chorus:
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
And I know it's not right
But I guess I should try
To do what I should do
But I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
Artist: Selena
Soundtrack: Selena (1997)
I could lose my heart tonight
If you don't turn and walk away
Cause the way I feel I might
Lose control and let you stay
Cause I could take you in my arms
And never let go
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
I can only wonder how
Touching you would make me feel
But if I take that chance right now
Tomorrow will you want me still
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you down
Chorus:
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
And I know it's not right
But I guess I should try
To do what I should do
But I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you down
Chorus:
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
And I know it's not right
But I guess I should try
To do what I should do
But I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
Sunday, November 24, 2002
After what seemed to be an interminably long time, I was able to talk to my best guy friend. I missed him something fierce, because I was always running to him whenever I have problems. Now that he has a lot of things to do, plus a job to keep, we couldn’t manage to communicate that much. Add to the fact that he’s in the US and I’m here in the Philippines, it is very hard to maintain a steady interaction. Oh, we would send each other emails, and he tries to call me up once in a while – in turn I send him greeting cards via web and snail mail.
Along our friendship, I stumbled and fell for him. Who would not? He is one amazing guy. But certain circumstances proved that a chance with him would be futile, because at the time he has a girlfriend, and I had my own life. I was always there for him, despite that, and he, too. Even when they broke up and he had some difficulty in his life, I did not leave. Instead I gave him all the love and friendship that I could offer.
I remained quiet all this time, kept silent about my feelings. But I guess he knew. And know what? He loves me too. We both know though, that a relationship wouldn’t work right now, at this moment. It would be too hard and too stressful. Plus, we are both afraid that if ever we pushed through with it, we would only end up frustrated later on, maybe ruining a great friendship in the process.
While mulling over this, a very special friend told me that he loves me. I was shocked at first, because, coming from him, I didn’t expect it. I was always the one listening to him rant about the women in his life, and I know that he had sincerely loved them, but it just didn’t work out the way he wanted. That’s why when he nervously revealed his growing feelings for me, a lot of emotions came hurling back at me. I was petrified, mollified, and confused. Yet, I found myself talking to him on the phone till the wee hours of the morning, and thinking about him in school. These had me stumped. He was starting to grow on me, and the last two posts here have been devoted solely for him.
I’m already standing on the ledge. Do I let myself fall?
Somehow I got the feeling that I was free, after the long talk with my best friend. That I can now allow myself to love somebody new without worrying that I might hurt somebody. We both got our own separate lives now. But whatever happens, we will be there for each other. Here’s bits and pieces of our conversation:
[14:51] Squall`>> musta na?
[14:51] Squall`>> mishyu
[14:52] twinx>> eto
[14:52] twinx>> ok lang
[14:52] twinx>> kaw?
[14:52] Squall`>> ok lang
[14:52] Squall`>> musta na lovelife? balita ko eh there's someone new
[14:53] twinx>> kanino namang balita yun?
[14:53] twinx>> may nanliligaw
[14:53] twinx>> pero wala pa ako sinasagot
[14:54] Squall`>> it's hard pero okay lang :)
[14:54] Squall`>> kasi napakalayo ko sa iyo eh
[14:55] twinx>> mahirap ang alen
[14:55] Squall`>> i feel defenseless, pero i really can't do anything
[14:55] Squall`>> basta i'm here for you
[14:56] Squall`>> and i support whatever your decision is
...
[15:09] Squall`>> you'll always be my bestfriend, twinkle
[15:12] Squall`>> i'm just worried bout you
[15:13] twinx>> baKIT naman
[15:13] Squall`>> coz you've been through a lot of pain
[15:14] Squall`>> i really wanna see you when i go back there
...
[15:19] Squall`>> you like the guy ba? honestly...
[15:25] twinx>> alam mo albert, hindi sha mahirap mahalin. mabait sha. And I like him. You would have liked him too.
[15:26] Squall`>> mahirap eh
[15:26] Squall`>> nde natin alam
[15:26] Squall`>> bka gumising ka at mahal mo na siya
[15:26] twinx>> basta tandaan mo. lagi lang naman ako andito para sa yo eh.
...
[15:30] twinx>> albert, kung sakali bang makuha ko siyang mahalin, ok lang sa yo?
[15:30] Squall`>> okay lang
[15:30] Squall`>> maiintindihan ko naman eh
[15:33] twinx>> hindi ko nga alam kung ano ang nakita niya sa akin eh
[15:34] twinx>> im nobody special naman
[15:34] twinx>> sa dinami-dami ng tao ako pa
[15:34] Squall`>> coz ur a sweet person
[15:34] Squall`>> and caring and thoughtful
[15:34] twinx>> eh hindi pa ren naman niya ko nakikita lammo yun? parang...ewan ko ba
...
[15:40] twinx>> hindi ko kse lam gagawin ko eh
[15:40] twinx>> naguguluhan na ako
[15:41] Squall`>> kung mahal mo siya eh why not
[15:41] Squall`>> kung nde eh di nde
[15:42] Squall`>> maiintindihan ko naman ikaw eh
[15:42] Squall`>> okay lang
[15:45] twinx>> basta...kung sasagutin ko sha...kaw pa ren ang unang makakaalam
[15:45] twinx>> wala akong itatago sa yo
[15:46] twinx>> basta ikaw
[15:46] Squall`>> thanks
[15:50] twinx>> *sigh* love you, dude. :)
[15:54] Squall`>> same here twinkle :)
[15:54] Squall`>> paguwi ko labas tayo ah
[15:54] twinx>> sige :)
[15:55] twinx>> promise. :)
...
[16:00] twinx>> wala lang. magaan-gaan na pakiramdam ko ngayon
[16:00] Squall`>> at saka pag nagpunta ako riyan eh mga at least 2 months ako diyan
[16:01] Squall`>> kasi nga aral pa di ba?
[16:01] twinx>> yup
[16:02] twinx>> na-miss kita
[16:02] twinx>> wala lang.
[16:02] twinx>> kse pag may problema ako sanay ako sa yo tumatakbo eh
[16:02] Squall`>> namiss din kita noh
[16:02] twinx>> hehehe la lang
...
[16:11] Squall`>> ingat ka
[16:12] Squall`>> at saka maiintindihan ko kung ano man mangyari sa inyo ni **** :)
[16:12] Squall`>> i love you so much bestfriend!
...
there you go. Thanks so much, albert. Love you, dude. Ingat ka diyan.
Along our friendship, I stumbled and fell for him. Who would not? He is one amazing guy. But certain circumstances proved that a chance with him would be futile, because at the time he has a girlfriend, and I had my own life. I was always there for him, despite that, and he, too. Even when they broke up and he had some difficulty in his life, I did not leave. Instead I gave him all the love and friendship that I could offer.
I remained quiet all this time, kept silent about my feelings. But I guess he knew. And know what? He loves me too. We both know though, that a relationship wouldn’t work right now, at this moment. It would be too hard and too stressful. Plus, we are both afraid that if ever we pushed through with it, we would only end up frustrated later on, maybe ruining a great friendship in the process.
While mulling over this, a very special friend told me that he loves me. I was shocked at first, because, coming from him, I didn’t expect it. I was always the one listening to him rant about the women in his life, and I know that he had sincerely loved them, but it just didn’t work out the way he wanted. That’s why when he nervously revealed his growing feelings for me, a lot of emotions came hurling back at me. I was petrified, mollified, and confused. Yet, I found myself talking to him on the phone till the wee hours of the morning, and thinking about him in school. These had me stumped. He was starting to grow on me, and the last two posts here have been devoted solely for him.
I’m already standing on the ledge. Do I let myself fall?
Somehow I got the feeling that I was free, after the long talk with my best friend. That I can now allow myself to love somebody new without worrying that I might hurt somebody. We both got our own separate lives now. But whatever happens, we will be there for each other. Here’s bits and pieces of our conversation:
[14:51] Squall`>> musta na?
[14:51] Squall`>> mishyu
[14:52] twinx>> eto
[14:52] twinx>> ok lang
[14:52] twinx>> kaw?
[14:52] Squall`>> ok lang
[14:52] Squall`>> musta na lovelife? balita ko eh there's someone new
[14:53] twinx>> kanino namang balita yun?
[14:53] twinx>> may nanliligaw
[14:53] twinx>> pero wala pa ako sinasagot
[14:54] Squall`>> it's hard pero okay lang :)
[14:54] Squall`>> kasi napakalayo ko sa iyo eh
[14:55] twinx>> mahirap ang alen
[14:55] Squall`>> i feel defenseless, pero i really can't do anything
[14:55] Squall`>> basta i'm here for you
[14:56] Squall`>> and i support whatever your decision is
...
[15:09] Squall`>> you'll always be my bestfriend, twinkle
[15:12] Squall`>> i'm just worried bout you
[15:13] twinx>> baKIT naman
[15:13] Squall`>> coz you've been through a lot of pain
[15:14] Squall`>> i really wanna see you when i go back there
...
[15:19] Squall`>> you like the guy ba? honestly...
[15:25] twinx>> alam mo albert, hindi sha mahirap mahalin. mabait sha. And I like him. You would have liked him too.
[15:26] Squall`>> mahirap eh
[15:26] Squall`>> nde natin alam
[15:26] Squall`>> bka gumising ka at mahal mo na siya
[15:26] twinx>> basta tandaan mo. lagi lang naman ako andito para sa yo eh.
...
[15:30] twinx>> albert, kung sakali bang makuha ko siyang mahalin, ok lang sa yo?
[15:30] Squall`>> okay lang
[15:30] Squall`>> maiintindihan ko naman eh
[15:33] twinx>> hindi ko nga alam kung ano ang nakita niya sa akin eh
[15:34] twinx>> im nobody special naman
[15:34] twinx>> sa dinami-dami ng tao ako pa
[15:34] Squall`>> coz ur a sweet person
[15:34] Squall`>> and caring and thoughtful
[15:34] twinx>> eh hindi pa ren naman niya ko nakikita lammo yun? parang...ewan ko ba
...
[15:40] twinx>> hindi ko kse lam gagawin ko eh
[15:40] twinx>> naguguluhan na ako
[15:41] Squall`>> kung mahal mo siya eh why not
[15:41] Squall`>> kung nde eh di nde
[15:42] Squall`>> maiintindihan ko naman ikaw eh
[15:42] Squall`>> okay lang
[15:45] twinx>> basta...kung sasagutin ko sha...kaw pa ren ang unang makakaalam
[15:45] twinx>> wala akong itatago sa yo
[15:46] twinx>> basta ikaw
[15:46] Squall`>> thanks
[15:50] twinx>> *sigh* love you, dude. :)
[15:54] Squall`>> same here twinkle :)
[15:54] Squall`>> paguwi ko labas tayo ah
[15:54] twinx>> sige :)
[15:55] twinx>> promise. :)
...
[16:00] twinx>> wala lang. magaan-gaan na pakiramdam ko ngayon
[16:00] Squall`>> at saka pag nagpunta ako riyan eh mga at least 2 months ako diyan
[16:01] Squall`>> kasi nga aral pa di ba?
[16:01] twinx>> yup
[16:02] twinx>> na-miss kita
[16:02] twinx>> wala lang.
[16:02] twinx>> kse pag may problema ako sanay ako sa yo tumatakbo eh
[16:02] Squall`>> namiss din kita noh
[16:02] twinx>> hehehe la lang
...
[16:11] Squall`>> ingat ka
[16:12] Squall`>> at saka maiintindihan ko kung ano man mangyari sa inyo ni **** :)
[16:12] Squall`>> i love you so much bestfriend!
...
there you go. Thanks so much, albert. Love you, dude. Ingat ka diyan.
Saturday, November 23, 2002
Bic Runga - Sway
Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you
And here I go, losing my control
I'm practicing your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infinitely true
[CHORUS:]
Say you'll stay, don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you
And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon
[CHORUS TWICE]
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
It's time to tell you why, I say it's infinitely true
[CHORUS TWICE]
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
...
it's 4 am. i didnt know why i stayed up this late just waiting for your call. foolish and pathetic, that's what ive become. am i growing to love you, or am i just clinging to the silly notion that i need to be in love? i dont want to confuse my emptiness from being alone with the thought of having you in my life. that would be so damn perfect - to allow you to enter my heart and take leave of my senses just because im so damn tired of sleeping late at night knowing there's no one to look forward to when i wake up in the morning. that's such a preposterous arrangement, and so unfair for your part, dont you think?
right now, i dont even know what im supposed to be feeling. if i decide to hand over my self, and my soul, completely, into your hands - would you take care of me and mold me into loving and healing myself? would you take me as i am, scarred and hurting, fumbling my chances along the way? i am scared. hell, yes.
what if im not really feeling something for you? what if im just waiting for an opportunity or luck that somebody would go up to me and tell me that he loves me, and you happen to came along? wouldnt that be a lie? how would i know that im truly loving YOU, and am not just finding an escape to end my loneliness?
that's why i cant give you an answer right away. because i dont want to give the wrong one, regardless of how much it might please or hurt you. the last thing i would want is to give you pain. that would be the death of me.
but...while you're waiting in vain, and im weaving my mind into intricate thoughts of you, we talk like we've known each other forever. i am much happier than ive been in weeks. does that mean anything? everything i do and everywhere i go, i am reminded of you. are those signs, or a game of chance? i believe in dreams coming true, but not for me. should i take heed of the things calling out to me, or still proceed with caution? what do i have to lose? then again, what do i have to gain?
ive already mapped this out with my mind. ive talked to myself. ive cried in my sleep. i still cant find an answer.
if i tell you yes, im afraid of hurting you in the long run. im also afraid of you backing away after some time. by then, i wouldnt know where to pick myself up. im very afraid of rejection. im afraid that this might all be pretend. im afraid of ME backing out after some time. im afraid of being unfair to you and of cheating you a great deal of love you could have found in somebody else instead of someone like me. im terribly afraid of ruining a great friendship if this relationship doesnt work out.
if i tell you no, im scared of letting a love pass by. im scared that ill never be whole again, and that you might be the one who can complete me. im scared that you might leave, and not existing in my life even as my friend. im scared that i might never find another like you. im scared that you might hate me. im scared that i might hate myself for it. im scared that i might discover that i do love you in the end, and by then, you would be long gone.
what is it about me that draws you? i am not special. i do not live up to your love. i have a hell of a life and excess baggage to boot. i cant even deal with my problems rationally and logically. i am nothing. why do you insist on caring for someone as undeserving like me? what have i done that made you think i can be someone you can love? you lie.
can you deal with me? look how i am. SEE ME. i am not the star up there - ive fallen, been trampled upon. dont put me up on a pedestal because i feel so low. this is all i'll be, this is all i'll be able to give. ive bared my soul - stark naked for your heart and mind. after all that you can perceive, will you still love me?
Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you
And here I go, losing my control
I'm practicing your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infinitely true
[CHORUS:]
Say you'll stay, don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you
And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon
[CHORUS TWICE]
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
It's time to tell you why, I say it's infinitely true
[CHORUS TWICE]
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
...
it's 4 am. i didnt know why i stayed up this late just waiting for your call. foolish and pathetic, that's what ive become. am i growing to love you, or am i just clinging to the silly notion that i need to be in love? i dont want to confuse my emptiness from being alone with the thought of having you in my life. that would be so damn perfect - to allow you to enter my heart and take leave of my senses just because im so damn tired of sleeping late at night knowing there's no one to look forward to when i wake up in the morning. that's such a preposterous arrangement, and so unfair for your part, dont you think?
right now, i dont even know what im supposed to be feeling. if i decide to hand over my self, and my soul, completely, into your hands - would you take care of me and mold me into loving and healing myself? would you take me as i am, scarred and hurting, fumbling my chances along the way? i am scared. hell, yes.
what if im not really feeling something for you? what if im just waiting for an opportunity or luck that somebody would go up to me and tell me that he loves me, and you happen to came along? wouldnt that be a lie? how would i know that im truly loving YOU, and am not just finding an escape to end my loneliness?
that's why i cant give you an answer right away. because i dont want to give the wrong one, regardless of how much it might please or hurt you. the last thing i would want is to give you pain. that would be the death of me.
but...while you're waiting in vain, and im weaving my mind into intricate thoughts of you, we talk like we've known each other forever. i am much happier than ive been in weeks. does that mean anything? everything i do and everywhere i go, i am reminded of you. are those signs, or a game of chance? i believe in dreams coming true, but not for me. should i take heed of the things calling out to me, or still proceed with caution? what do i have to lose? then again, what do i have to gain?
ive already mapped this out with my mind. ive talked to myself. ive cried in my sleep. i still cant find an answer.
if i tell you yes, im afraid of hurting you in the long run. im also afraid of you backing away after some time. by then, i wouldnt know where to pick myself up. im very afraid of rejection. im afraid that this might all be pretend. im afraid of ME backing out after some time. im afraid of being unfair to you and of cheating you a great deal of love you could have found in somebody else instead of someone like me. im terribly afraid of ruining a great friendship if this relationship doesnt work out.
if i tell you no, im scared of letting a love pass by. im scared that ill never be whole again, and that you might be the one who can complete me. im scared that you might leave, and not existing in my life even as my friend. im scared that i might never find another like you. im scared that you might hate me. im scared that i might hate myself for it. im scared that i might discover that i do love you in the end, and by then, you would be long gone.
what is it about me that draws you? i am not special. i do not live up to your love. i have a hell of a life and excess baggage to boot. i cant even deal with my problems rationally and logically. i am nothing. why do you insist on caring for someone as undeserving like me? what have i done that made you think i can be someone you can love? you lie.
can you deal with me? look how i am. SEE ME. i am not the star up there - ive fallen, been trampled upon. dont put me up on a pedestal because i feel so low. this is all i'll be, this is all i'll be able to give. ive bared my soul - stark naked for your heart and mind. after all that you can perceive, will you still love me?
Thursday, November 21, 2002
Kaninang Physics
Physics period na ngayon. Wala lang, naaalala na naman kita. Alam kong inis na inis ka rin sa subject na ‘to – isa sa mga bagay na pinagkakasunduan natin. Hindi ko nga maintindihan sa sarili ko eh: simula nung mag-usap tayo, madami nang mga bagay ang nagpapaalala sa akin tungkol sa ‘yo. Yuck. Ang corny ko noh?
Anyway, sana hindi ka galit. Sana, after the talk we’ve had, hindi ka mailang, hindi magbago ang nararamdaman mo para sa akin. Alam mo…wala lang. When I woke up this morning (with only one hour of sleep to boot), I have this strange urge to really thank you – for loving me. Ewan ko ba. I hope you don’t think me assuming. Pero, salamat at minahal mo ako. Kahit papaano, naramdaman ko na may kwenta pa pala ako sa mundong ‘to, kasi, may taong nakuha akong mahalin.
ME = KE + PE.
Ayan. Ang dali ng equation na yan. Tuloy, ‘kala ko, kapag madali tingnan, madali rin i-solve. Pero hindi pala. Kasi within that, lies this formula:
ME = 1/2mv2 + mgh.
Tapos, pwede pa palang maging ganito:
ME = 1/2m(d/t)2 + mgh.
And so on. Hirap na noh? Parang ganun bale yung nararamdaman ko ngayon para sa yo. At a first glance, sige, sabihin mo na – “I LOVE YOU.” O. Ang dali lang niyan di ba? Ang kailangan ko lang gawin ay sabihin kung “Oo” o “Hindi.” Kung “I love you, too” o “I love you not.” Kaso, hindi pala ganun kadali yun. May underlying tone pa na – “I’m sorry, and I don’t want to hurt you.” Tapos, pwede pang maging “I love you, but I’m not in love with you…” o “I’m not yours yet for the taking, but I don’t want to lose you.”
Nakaka-frustrate na noh? Super hirap. Agree ako sa kinakanta mo kagabi – “Life’s a bitch, and then you die.”
Pero ok na ren. Tutal naman, nandito ka eh.
Kaso, tulad ng Physics, takot akong bumagsak. Takot ako magka-line of 7. I’m good at numbers, yes, pero pagdating dito, I feel like the stupidest person on earth.
Parang sa relationships. I don’t want to fail at that, too. I’m good at relating with people, and I know that I am sensitive and mature enough to handle a serious bond with someone special – kaso pagdating sa love – pumapalya na ako. Feeling ko nga, nung umulan ng kamalasan at katangahan, hindi ako nakapayong nung mga panahon na yun.
Kailangan ko pa ata ng tutor eh. Kung di man sa Physics, baka sa love. May class ba na Love 101? Parang ang kailangan ko kasi, hindi lang crash course eh, mas matagal pang pagpapalalim ukol dito. Nakakatawa. Pero, sino ba naman talaga ang may alam sa love? Palagay ko wala. Bigyan mo ako ng magsasabing gamay na gamay na niya kung ano ang pag-ibig, ipapakita ko sa iyo ang isang hangal. Ang love para lang yang buhay – walang hanggan, walang kaparis, walang sukat. Physics kasi mas madali pang i-dissect. Mas kaya ng utak na i-process ang information, kahit ba ayaw mo siya o hindi. Eh sa love? Laging kalaban ng utak mo yung puso mo. Kaya siguro, mangangapa na lang ako. Lahat naman ata ganun eh. Di ba’t yan ang rason kung bakit natin kailangan ang isa’t isa?
Kaya pagpasensyahan mo na lang ako kung matagal-tagal pa bago ko masagot ang “I LOVE YOU.” Mahirap na word problem yan eh.
Ang dami ko pang steps na dadaanan bago ko makuha yung final answer. Oo, several ang possible na solutions sa ganitong problem. May short cut, may long cut. Dun na ako sa mas mahabang proseso. Para sigurado.
Sabi kanina, “You can always choose your reference point.” Yun daw yung guide. Siya, sige. Sa ngayon, ang reference point ko, ikaw. Bawat minutong lumilipas, nagso-solve ako sa utak ko, kung di man sa puso ko, wag kang mag-alala. Kailangan ko nga lang tumigil maya’t maya para gumamit ng scratch at calculator. Trial and error pala pag dating sa ganitong kind ng problem. Siyempre, pag hirap na hirap na ko, at hindi ko na makurba ang utak ko sa kakaisip, baka iyakan ko pa to. Ganun talaga eh. Lagi ako napapaiyak, hindi lang ng Physics.
Teka. Kasasabi lang niya (Physics teacher ko), “If the forces are equal, it might be cancelled out.” Hindi ko alam kung tama ako ng pagkakarinig ha. Pero if I heard her right, it will be equal to zero. Huh? Na-gets mo ba? Wala lang. Sana hindi ma-equate lahat ‘to sa wala sa kalaunan. Sana we’ll never “get to that point where enough is enough.”
Alam mo, naisip ko nga eh, sana Chem na lang. Pero…hindi pa ren eh. Palagay ko nga mas mahirap pa. Kasi sa tingin ko, yung chemistry sa ating dalawa – mahirap ma-decode. Aalamin ko pa ang mga phase changes sa pagkakaibigan natin, at kung paano mag-react ang certain elements ng ating sarili according sa Law of Chemical Combination. Isa pa, yung bonding natin. Swerte na lang kung triple bond yun. Syet. Tama na, mababaliw ako nito.
Ewan! Basta, habang nagsusulat ako dito ngayon at naghihintay sa ring ng bell para matapos na ang paghihirap ko, sana hindi ka na naman nag-cut ng Physics class mo. Alam ko boring (kita mo nga tong ginagawa ko o), at nakakainis – pero dapat nandun ka eh. Aralin mo, kahit ayaw mo. Kasi makakatulong yan. Kung di man sa magiging trabaho mo paglaki mo, isipin mo na lang na kailangan mo ‘to para makapasa ka.
Sana, sa akin din, ganun ka. Pagtiyagaan mo, pero hindi lang dahil dapat. ‘Wag ka mag-give up. Malay mo – baka matapos na ako mag-solve mamaya.
Physics period na ngayon. Wala lang, naaalala na naman kita. Alam kong inis na inis ka rin sa subject na ‘to – isa sa mga bagay na pinagkakasunduan natin. Hindi ko nga maintindihan sa sarili ko eh: simula nung mag-usap tayo, madami nang mga bagay ang nagpapaalala sa akin tungkol sa ‘yo. Yuck. Ang corny ko noh?
Anyway, sana hindi ka galit. Sana, after the talk we’ve had, hindi ka mailang, hindi magbago ang nararamdaman mo para sa akin. Alam mo…wala lang. When I woke up this morning (with only one hour of sleep to boot), I have this strange urge to really thank you – for loving me. Ewan ko ba. I hope you don’t think me assuming. Pero, salamat at minahal mo ako. Kahit papaano, naramdaman ko na may kwenta pa pala ako sa mundong ‘to, kasi, may taong nakuha akong mahalin.
ME = KE + PE.
Ayan. Ang dali ng equation na yan. Tuloy, ‘kala ko, kapag madali tingnan, madali rin i-solve. Pero hindi pala. Kasi within that, lies this formula:
ME = 1/2mv2 + mgh.
Tapos, pwede pa palang maging ganito:
ME = 1/2m(d/t)2 + mgh.
And so on. Hirap na noh? Parang ganun bale yung nararamdaman ko ngayon para sa yo. At a first glance, sige, sabihin mo na – “I LOVE YOU.” O. Ang dali lang niyan di ba? Ang kailangan ko lang gawin ay sabihin kung “Oo” o “Hindi.” Kung “I love you, too” o “I love you not.” Kaso, hindi pala ganun kadali yun. May underlying tone pa na – “I’m sorry, and I don’t want to hurt you.” Tapos, pwede pang maging “I love you, but I’m not in love with you…” o “I’m not yours yet for the taking, but I don’t want to lose you.”
Nakaka-frustrate na noh? Super hirap. Agree ako sa kinakanta mo kagabi – “Life’s a bitch, and then you die.”
Pero ok na ren. Tutal naman, nandito ka eh.
Kaso, tulad ng Physics, takot akong bumagsak. Takot ako magka-line of 7. I’m good at numbers, yes, pero pagdating dito, I feel like the stupidest person on earth.
Parang sa relationships. I don’t want to fail at that, too. I’m good at relating with people, and I know that I am sensitive and mature enough to handle a serious bond with someone special – kaso pagdating sa love – pumapalya na ako. Feeling ko nga, nung umulan ng kamalasan at katangahan, hindi ako nakapayong nung mga panahon na yun.
Kailangan ko pa ata ng tutor eh. Kung di man sa Physics, baka sa love. May class ba na Love 101? Parang ang kailangan ko kasi, hindi lang crash course eh, mas matagal pang pagpapalalim ukol dito. Nakakatawa. Pero, sino ba naman talaga ang may alam sa love? Palagay ko wala. Bigyan mo ako ng magsasabing gamay na gamay na niya kung ano ang pag-ibig, ipapakita ko sa iyo ang isang hangal. Ang love para lang yang buhay – walang hanggan, walang kaparis, walang sukat. Physics kasi mas madali pang i-dissect. Mas kaya ng utak na i-process ang information, kahit ba ayaw mo siya o hindi. Eh sa love? Laging kalaban ng utak mo yung puso mo. Kaya siguro, mangangapa na lang ako. Lahat naman ata ganun eh. Di ba’t yan ang rason kung bakit natin kailangan ang isa’t isa?
Kaya pagpasensyahan mo na lang ako kung matagal-tagal pa bago ko masagot ang “I LOVE YOU.” Mahirap na word problem yan eh.
Ang dami ko pang steps na dadaanan bago ko makuha yung final answer. Oo, several ang possible na solutions sa ganitong problem. May short cut, may long cut. Dun na ako sa mas mahabang proseso. Para sigurado.
Sabi kanina, “You can always choose your reference point.” Yun daw yung guide. Siya, sige. Sa ngayon, ang reference point ko, ikaw. Bawat minutong lumilipas, nagso-solve ako sa utak ko, kung di man sa puso ko, wag kang mag-alala. Kailangan ko nga lang tumigil maya’t maya para gumamit ng scratch at calculator. Trial and error pala pag dating sa ganitong kind ng problem. Siyempre, pag hirap na hirap na ko, at hindi ko na makurba ang utak ko sa kakaisip, baka iyakan ko pa to. Ganun talaga eh. Lagi ako napapaiyak, hindi lang ng Physics.
Teka. Kasasabi lang niya (Physics teacher ko), “If the forces are equal, it might be cancelled out.” Hindi ko alam kung tama ako ng pagkakarinig ha. Pero if I heard her right, it will be equal to zero. Huh? Na-gets mo ba? Wala lang. Sana hindi ma-equate lahat ‘to sa wala sa kalaunan. Sana we’ll never “get to that point where enough is enough.”
Alam mo, naisip ko nga eh, sana Chem na lang. Pero…hindi pa ren eh. Palagay ko nga mas mahirap pa. Kasi sa tingin ko, yung chemistry sa ating dalawa – mahirap ma-decode. Aalamin ko pa ang mga phase changes sa pagkakaibigan natin, at kung paano mag-react ang certain elements ng ating sarili according sa Law of Chemical Combination. Isa pa, yung bonding natin. Swerte na lang kung triple bond yun. Syet. Tama na, mababaliw ako nito.
Ewan! Basta, habang nagsusulat ako dito ngayon at naghihintay sa ring ng bell para matapos na ang paghihirap ko, sana hindi ka na naman nag-cut ng Physics class mo. Alam ko boring (kita mo nga tong ginagawa ko o), at nakakainis – pero dapat nandun ka eh. Aralin mo, kahit ayaw mo. Kasi makakatulong yan. Kung di man sa magiging trabaho mo paglaki mo, isipin mo na lang na kailangan mo ‘to para makapasa ka.
Sana, sa akin din, ganun ka. Pagtiyagaan mo, pero hindi lang dahil dapat. ‘Wag ka mag-give up. Malay mo – baka matapos na ako mag-solve mamaya.
Monday, November 18, 2002
*sigh* I fell asleep watching for the stars. =( Never did get the chance to make a wish. I guess it wasn't time - maybe it meant that wishing last night will be a fruitless task, because not one of them will come true. =( Well. aren't I the miserable one today. Sana may kausap ako para hindi na ako malulungkot, parang kagabi.
...
but, if I do have the chance to make a wish, these would be it:
1. to be truly happy despite all the hardships I'm going through right now
2. to find someone whom I will love deeply, and will love me back in return
3. to reconcile with myself and love me for me. (I do have a hard time accepting and loving myself right now. *sigh*)
until then, I will have to make do and struggle on my own. it's tough, but maybe believing in wishes will make it easier.
...
oh, and in the other blog, i will post random thoughts about me. ^^, if you want to become a part of it, and know / notice some things about me which I myself fail to acknowledge, please comment on this post and give me your email/url. I will give you my password here in blogger, so that you can post them yourselves. (and hey, this is only for the trusted few ha.) i'll see if it will work.
...
but, if I do have the chance to make a wish, these would be it:
1. to be truly happy despite all the hardships I'm going through right now
2. to find someone whom I will love deeply, and will love me back in return
3. to reconcile with myself and love me for me. (I do have a hard time accepting and loving myself right now. *sigh*)
until then, I will have to make do and struggle on my own. it's tough, but maybe believing in wishes will make it easier.
...
oh, and in the other blog, i will post random thoughts about me. ^^, if you want to become a part of it, and know / notice some things about me which I myself fail to acknowledge, please comment on this post and give me your email/url. I will give you my password here in blogger, so that you can post them yourselves. (and hey, this is only for the trusted few ha.) i'll see if it will work.
went home from school today, really early...they made me go home because i was complaining about severe stomach pains and LOTS of vomiting. Ugh. i felt really bad. until now, am still suffering from hyperacidity. might not be able to make it to school tomorrow. *sigh* look at what i would be missing! there are tons of things to do. damn.
...
my ex-best friend (if you're following my story from the past entries - here's a link) is dropping out of high school. finally. i have spent weeks and weeks trailing after her like a puppy, making sure that she's okay all the while neglecting myself. now, her mother has eventually decided to make her stop her schooling for this year. i can only breathe a sigh of relief. she hasnt been coming to school for almost two weeks, maybe more, and every being in school is asking only one person about her absence - me. as if i wasnt burdened enough, the guidance office keeps on calling me. for pete's sake, i could only shout in my head, i am not her caretaker! i decided to call her mother up (even though i promised myself not to get involved again) and begged her to come to school and finally tell all of them - the administration, the faculty - about the condition of her daughter, because the pressure is beginning to take a toll on me. god. you know the reason why she hasnt been coming to school? it's because she's sinking into depression (daw) dahil i havent been paying her much of her attention. ha. ano na naman yan? ako na naman ang may kasalanan? oh god. im never EVER going to help anyone again, much less make myself vulnerable enough for a new friendship. this one got me burnt enough. what's that adage? - "once bitten, twice shy." so there.
...
something good happened today though, despite all of these. one, it was one of my close friend's birthday. ^_^ (although it was too bad i came home - i didnt get to celebrate with her), two, i was cheered up by a friend whom I have been txting with the whole night. la lang. three, my dear friend ganns is pushing through with his civil wedding tomorrow (Nov. 19). A great toast to you, dude! You are one heck of a guy, and really are superblessed by a superGod. ^^, Good luck, God bless, and God Speed. Lastly, there's a meteor shower by 1:30 am, Philippine time. hope im still awake to catch it. you know naman that im one of those hopeless romantics - a Sentimental Fool at that. ^_^ since I still believe in Santa Claus and miracles, you bet, im still wishing on stars. only this time, i really really really really really hope that it will come true. if not...oh well. there are still plenty of stars. patience is a virtue, or so they say.
...
my ex-best friend (if you're following my story from the past entries - here's a link) is dropping out of high school. finally. i have spent weeks and weeks trailing after her like a puppy, making sure that she's okay all the while neglecting myself. now, her mother has eventually decided to make her stop her schooling for this year. i can only breathe a sigh of relief. she hasnt been coming to school for almost two weeks, maybe more, and every being in school is asking only one person about her absence - me. as if i wasnt burdened enough, the guidance office keeps on calling me. for pete's sake, i could only shout in my head, i am not her caretaker! i decided to call her mother up (even though i promised myself not to get involved again) and begged her to come to school and finally tell all of them - the administration, the faculty - about the condition of her daughter, because the pressure is beginning to take a toll on me. god. you know the reason why she hasnt been coming to school? it's because she's sinking into depression (daw) dahil i havent been paying her much of her attention. ha. ano na naman yan? ako na naman ang may kasalanan? oh god. im never EVER going to help anyone again, much less make myself vulnerable enough for a new friendship. this one got me burnt enough. what's that adage? - "once bitten, twice shy." so there.
...
something good happened today though, despite all of these. one, it was one of my close friend's birthday. ^_^ (although it was too bad i came home - i didnt get to celebrate with her), two, i was cheered up by a friend whom I have been txting with the whole night. la lang. three, my dear friend ganns is pushing through with his civil wedding tomorrow (Nov. 19). A great toast to you, dude! You are one heck of a guy, and really are superblessed by a superGod. ^^, Good luck, God bless, and God Speed. Lastly, there's a meteor shower by 1:30 am, Philippine time. hope im still awake to catch it. you know naman that im one of those hopeless romantics - a Sentimental Fool at that. ^_^ since I still believe in Santa Claus and miracles, you bet, im still wishing on stars. only this time, i really really really really really hope that it will come true. if not...oh well. there are still plenty of stars. patience is a virtue, or so they say.
Sunday, November 17, 2002
I watched Harry Potter (The Chamber of Secrets) today...
anyhow, I will have to agree that this one is better than the first. I'm not much of a fan. I've read the first book, and the movie on that one did not do justice to the story. Regarding the sequel, I guess I will have to read the book to be able to make a decision. It entertained me enough, save the standing room and the sticky theater floor. Ugh.
...
anyhow, I didnt expect the movie to be soooooooo long. I got home late, and there are still things I needed to do - school na tomorrow! Will check out some things here, and then maybe go blog hopping after.
...
and then in the back of my head, a voice keeps on repeating - tell me, why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
anyhow, I will have to agree that this one is better than the first. I'm not much of a fan. I've read the first book, and the movie on that one did not do justice to the story. Regarding the sequel, I guess I will have to read the book to be able to make a decision. It entertained me enough, save the standing room and the sticky theater floor. Ugh.
...
anyhow, I didnt expect the movie to be soooooooo long. I got home late, and there are still things I needed to do - school na tomorrow! Will check out some things here, and then maybe go blog hopping after.
...
and then in the back of my head, a voice keeps on repeating - tell me, why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
Saturday, November 16, 2002
What Sort of Romantic Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're a Romantic Realist. That's quite a paradox, but a good one. You can appreciate love and all things related to romance, but you do it without getting caught up in the commercialized mess. You've got a good head on your shoulders, for the most part.
How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Balanced. You accept your emotions as normal and are not overly happy nor depressed. You are emotionally balanced and should find peace in the way you deal with life situations. Your emotions are normal and well understood. You see the light in the dark.
...
well, that's a good thought.
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be close to your special someone and feel warm, comfortable, and needed
...
so very true. am i that transparent? makes me wonder now.
Is there somehow an insane reason why i might be posting this song?...
Head Over Feet
by Alanis Morissette
I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it
You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask me how my day was
Chorus:
You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be suprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault
Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
Your'e so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service
(Repeat Chorus)
You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long
I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now
(Repeat Chorus)
Head Over Feet
by Alanis Morissette
I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it
You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask me how my day was
Chorus:
You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be suprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault
Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
Your'e so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service
(Repeat Chorus)
You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long
I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now
(Repeat Chorus)
What do you do when someone tells you that he loves you?
...
nuninu.
...
nuninu.
Friday, November 15, 2002
Googlism for: twinkle
twinkle is detrimental (well, i thought so too)
twinkle is a nice word (thank you)
twinkle is knackered after a hard week at work
twinkle is britain's first online agony pervert (ows talaga?)
twinkle is brilliant (talaga ^_^)
twinkle is in here (where???)
twinkle is by no means the first attempt to design a special machine for doing mathematics (oh no. math? sheesh.)
twinkle is in particular need of a special home because she is a possible rhino carrier
twinkle is pregnant (uhuh)
twinkle is easy to fold
twinkle is one of the smallest 'jogging' strollers
twinkle is now eleven and has tolerated dogs all her life
twinkle is a 15
twinkle is my humble effort to work with under
twinkle is observing and usuually will stay out of any conversation unless spoken to first
twinkle is always working hard
twinkle is busy designing an ideal dream home for her
twinkle is getting ready to tread the boards for noted director feroze khan's forthcoming play
twinkle is now an official house rabbit
twinkle is 11" tall
twinkle is a children's folk song that mozart took and arranged twelve variations to
twinkle is going to fit through mom's pelvis
twinkle is 9 weeks and 4 days old and is due on january 13
twinkle is all
twinkle is as fast as the blink of an eye
twinkle is the most advanced version of a negative
twinkle is very edgy
twinkle is her name
twinkle is a webring for sites created by amateur anime artists
twinkle is one of three asian films in this year's festival that uses the springboard of an arranged marriage for its subsequent drama
twinkle is a pink opalescent dust reflecting the magnificent colors of our galaxy
twinkle is a rover mini sidewalk
twinkle is run by myself
twinkle is just one of the electronically enhanced poems you'll receive when purchasing a mixed bag of verse
twinkle is a fast learner and has been able to master many skills over the years
twinkle is bollywood actor akshay
twinkle is a three
twinkle is an amazingly smart and affectionate animal (awwww)
twinkle is a sieving machine
twinkle is allowed to come and go as she pleases since discipline and rules prompt her to either run to the streets where she may not seen for days
twinkle is 17 years old now (16 pa lang)
twinkle is rather high
twinkle is a quiet cat with an easy going character
twinkle is very good artiste
twinkle is
twinkle is a viscous liquid detergent with a golden yellow colour
twinkle is the third edition of the tree trimming collection
twinkle is a spectacular bitch (aha!)
twinkle is removed from the laser light
twinkle is 3 and 1 half years old
twinkle is re
twinkle is still alive (thankfully)
twinkle is extinguished
twinkle is the energy sparking the next action/creation
twinkle is a favorite classic nursery rhyme of young and old
twinkle is pages sister
twinkle is a beautiful person (wow.)
twinkle is boss (say that again?)
twinkle is a mathematics assessment task from the balanced assessment program
twinkle is a maternal sister to "storm" and has credits to 11
twinkle is just short of being a disaster (hehehehehe)
twinkle is one of the few girls i really get along with
twinkle is now called "thifty"
twinkle is an illusion
twinkle is presented complete
twinkle is beautiful (how i wish)
twinkle is playing table tennis with satan
twinkle is also a leading maker of beadwork
twinkle is actually the light travelling from the star and being bent and twisted in its long trip through layers and layers of gas
twinkle is the best real soul singer i've seen in a long time
twinkle is well and happy (well i try to be)
twinkle is finding out that each little bit of success comes only with struggle (definitely true)
twinkle is our chosen variety
twinkle is an audio/ visual reaction timer game with seasonal trimmings
twinkle is busy organising her trousseau for a november
twinkle is very different than that of the electronic design of a normal computer
twinkle is more than a word
twinkle is an anachronism for true winners inspire nonviolence
twinkle is available for download
twinkle is coming up 2 years old and was also bred by me
twinkle is quite the star in her pink satin dress; an organdy overlay is printed with golden stars
twinkle is a unicorn fairy (oh.)
twinkle is the best brass and copper cleaner out there for home use
twinkle is veelzijdig
twinkle is a happy boy now and our very first adoption
...
well. ^_^
twinkle is detrimental (well, i thought so too)
twinkle is a nice word (thank you)
twinkle is knackered after a hard week at work
twinkle is britain's first online agony pervert (ows talaga?)
twinkle is brilliant (talaga ^_^)
twinkle is in here (where???)
twinkle is by no means the first attempt to design a special machine for doing mathematics (oh no. math? sheesh.)
twinkle is in particular need of a special home because she is a possible rhino carrier
twinkle is pregnant (uhuh)
twinkle is easy to fold
twinkle is one of the smallest 'jogging' strollers
twinkle is now eleven and has tolerated dogs all her life
twinkle is a 15
twinkle is my humble effort to work with under
twinkle is observing and usuually will stay out of any conversation unless spoken to first
twinkle is always working hard
twinkle is busy designing an ideal dream home for her
twinkle is getting ready to tread the boards for noted director feroze khan's forthcoming play
twinkle is now an official house rabbit
twinkle is 11" tall
twinkle is a children's folk song that mozart took and arranged twelve variations to
twinkle is going to fit through mom's pelvis
twinkle is 9 weeks and 4 days old and is due on january 13
twinkle is all
twinkle is as fast as the blink of an eye
twinkle is the most advanced version of a negative
twinkle is very edgy
twinkle is her name
twinkle is a webring for sites created by amateur anime artists
twinkle is one of three asian films in this year's festival that uses the springboard of an arranged marriage for its subsequent drama
twinkle is a pink opalescent dust reflecting the magnificent colors of our galaxy
twinkle is a rover mini sidewalk
twinkle is run by myself
twinkle is just one of the electronically enhanced poems you'll receive when purchasing a mixed bag of verse
twinkle is a fast learner and has been able to master many skills over the years
twinkle is bollywood actor akshay
twinkle is a three
twinkle is an amazingly smart and affectionate animal (awwww)
twinkle is a sieving machine
twinkle is allowed to come and go as she pleases since discipline and rules prompt her to either run to the streets where she may not seen for days
twinkle is 17 years old now (16 pa lang)
twinkle is rather high
twinkle is a quiet cat with an easy going character
twinkle is very good artiste
twinkle is
twinkle is a viscous liquid detergent with a golden yellow colour
twinkle is the third edition of the tree trimming collection
twinkle is a spectacular bitch (aha!)
twinkle is removed from the laser light
twinkle is 3 and 1 half years old
twinkle is re
twinkle is still alive (thankfully)
twinkle is extinguished
twinkle is the energy sparking the next action/creation
twinkle is a favorite classic nursery rhyme of young and old
twinkle is pages sister
twinkle is a beautiful person (wow.)
twinkle is boss (say that again?)
twinkle is a mathematics assessment task from the balanced assessment program
twinkle is a maternal sister to "storm" and has credits to 11
twinkle is just short of being a disaster (hehehehehe)
twinkle is one of the few girls i really get along with
twinkle is now called "thifty"
twinkle is an illusion
twinkle is presented complete
twinkle is beautiful (how i wish)
twinkle is playing table tennis with satan
twinkle is also a leading maker of beadwork
twinkle is actually the light travelling from the star and being bent and twisted in its long trip through layers and layers of gas
twinkle is the best real soul singer i've seen in a long time
twinkle is well and happy (well i try to be)
twinkle is finding out that each little bit of success comes only with struggle (definitely true)
twinkle is our chosen variety
twinkle is an audio/ visual reaction timer game with seasonal trimmings
twinkle is busy organising her trousseau for a november
twinkle is very different than that of the electronic design of a normal computer
twinkle is more than a word
twinkle is an anachronism for true winners inspire nonviolence
twinkle is available for download
twinkle is coming up 2 years old and was also bred by me
twinkle is quite the star in her pink satin dress; an organdy overlay is printed with golden stars
twinkle is a unicorn fairy (oh.)
twinkle is the best brass and copper cleaner out there for home use
twinkle is veelzijdig
twinkle is a happy boy now and our very first adoption
...
well. ^_^
Monday, November 11, 2002
Kuwentong Panyo
Ikaw pa lang naman ang taong pinaglaba ko ng panyo.
Katatapos pa lang ng PE natin nun. Wala na kayo ng tropa mo, pero kami, nasa kuwarto pa rin. Lumakad ako sa lugar kung saan kayo naupo. At yun. Duon ko nakita yung panyo. Nakatiwangwang sa sahig. Naiwan. Parang iniwan dahil wala nang silbi.
Kinuha ko. Baka kasi burara lang talaga yung may ari. Isinuksok ko yung kulay maroon na panyo sa plastic bag ko ng PE props, at dalian ko rin shang nalimutan. Ang dami ko kasing dala nu’n e.
Mga dalawang araw ko ring hindi pinansin yung panyo. Pero, nung isang gabing dapat matutulog na ako pero iniisip pa rin kita, bumulaga siya sa isip ko. Lagi ka nga palang may panyo, baka sa iyo yun. Dali- dali kong kinalkal yung plastig bag ko ng PE props. Ayan nakuha ko na. Kulay maroon na may puting border. Hatinggabi na ata nu’n, pero nilaban ko ora mismo.
Hindi ko ginamit yung bareta. Hindi ko rin ginamit yung powder para sa washing machine. Ang ginamit ko, bath soap na mild. Baka kasi allergic ka sa mga matatapang na kemikal ng ordinaryong sabon. Hehe. Hindi ko pa nga siguradong iyo yun. Pero kahit na. Masaya pa rin ako dahil may pag uusapan nanaman tayo. Magpapasalamat ka sakin dahil binalik ko yung mamahalin mong panyo, tapos ngingitian mo ko.
* * *
Sabi ng kaklase kong kaklase mo rin, hindi raw tayo bagay. Siguro, inaasar lang niya ako dahil alam niyang crush kita. Sana nga. Pero ayun, hindi raw tayo bagay dahil mashado daw tayong pareho. Mirror- image daw. Parehong mahilig sa maingay na kanta, parehong mahilig mag drawing, parehong madaling araw na kung matulog. Hindi raw OK ang dalawang taong ganun. Pangit. Opposites attract, diba?
Naalala ko tuloy nung bago pa lang yung Weakest Link sa TV. Tuwing palabas yun, pinapanood natin tapos pinagti- tripan natin yung mga contestants na nauutal- utal. Iti- text ko yung pang- asar kong comment, tapos dadaigin mo. Ang galing mong manlait! Ang dami kong natutunan sa’yo!
Tapos, tapos na ang Weakest Link pero magkatext pa rin tayo. Kinukwentohan mo ko tungkol sa mga nabasa mong libro, tapos ako, kukwentohan kita tungkol sa mga pelikulang napanood ko. Astig. May isang gabi nga e, inumaga tayo. Pinasok ka na ng ermat mo sa kuwarto’t pinagalitan. Wala lang. Care Bears at He- Man lang naman ang pinag- “uusapan” natin. Minsan naman, pag bad mood ka, kukwentuhan mo ko tungkol sa heaven and hell at sa ultimate good and evil. Ang bigat pero oks lang. Ikaw naman yun, e.
Pero dati yun. Luma na Weakest Link ngayon e, si Allan K na nga ang host. Hindi ka na nagrereply sa mga text ko dahil, ewan. Siguro nagtitipid ka.
May isang beses nga, hindi mo ako pinansin ng mga isang linggo. E di muntikan na akong masiraan ng ulo. Inemail kita. Wala pa rin. Tatlo pang araw ang inintay ko (ang lupit mo, magkaklase tayo pero isa’t kalahating linggo mo kong hindi pinansin!). Sa wakas! Nagreply ka! Wow, abot tenga ang ngiti ko, ang haba kasi ng reply mo! Kuwento ka ng kuwento tungkol sa kung anu ano, yung teacher mong ayaw kang bigyan ng grade, yung maid niyong mahilig mang himasok sa buhay mo at yung mga taong nakakasira ng “diskarte” mo.
Sana hindi ako yun.
Masaya. Magka email na tayo. Wala namang pinagkaiba sa text dahil hindi pa rin kita makita’t marinig at madalang ka ring magreply. Pero, oks lang uli. It’s another way to your heart naman.
* * *
Inemail mo ako nung isang araw. Sabi mo kanta. Sabi mo death metal. Sabi mo mag eenjoy ako.
Hindi ko pinakinggan agad- agad. Ilang buwan na rin kasi tayong hindi nag tetext, sa mga buwan na yun sinubukan kong kalimutan ka. Sabi kasi nung mgakaibigan ko, puro gulo’t sakit ng ulo lang daw ang dala mo. Oo nga naman. Mahigit kumulang isang taon kong pinagnilay- nilayan ang mga posibilidad sa’ting dalawa. Isang lalaki, isang babae, secret friends sila. Magkasundo naman tayo diba? Sa email. Bagay naman tayo diba? Sa text.
Siyempre, hindi ko rin natiis. Nasa internet café nga ako nung pinakinggan ko yung kanta. Inintay ko yung sigaw na pambungad, o di kaya’y yung kalabog ng drums. Wala. Biglang may lumabas na graphics. Angel, tapos pusong tumitibok- tibok.
“You’re my honeybunch, my sweet cake…You’re my sweety pie… the apple of my eye.”
Paulit- ulit lang. Paulit- ulit lang. Paulit- ulit.
Walang sumigaw ng “oi- oi- oi”. Wala ding “pow- hu- hu- pow”.
* * *
Umiyak ako sa MRT. Konti lang naman. Bigla kasi akong naguluhan e, nagulat. Posible ba? Gayong, mahigit kuulang isang taon kong sinabihan ang sarili ko na huwag akong umasa. Baka naman gawa gawa lang ‘to ng isip kong sabik sa’yo? Hmmm… pwede. So nagdrama ako ng konti pa.
Tinext kita nung gabing ‘yon. Napakinggan ko na yung kanta. Astig. Paki explain (pa simple pa ako).
Himala, nag reply ka. “Harkhark. Tuwang- tuwa talaga ako jan. Hebi metal daw ano? Hahaha. Ano ieexplain?”
Saka ko natutunan na lahat ng ginagawa mo ay dapat kong intindihin ng face value lang. Harkhark. Ano nga naman ba ang kelangan mong iexplain? Joke diba? Mag- eenjoy ako! Ang labo ko nga naman.
Buti na lang nagpasimple ako. Madaling lusutan. “Ah. Kasi hindi ko na tinapos. Akala ko may hebi metal talaga sa dulo.”
Gago.
Nagdrama pa’ko ng konti pagtapos no’n. Sabi ko na nga ba e, imposible. Bakit pa kasi ako umasa- asa at the last minute? Ilang bese mo na ba ginawa yan dati? Ilang beses ka na bang nagtext ng pasaring at nag email ng tula? Marami. Ano naman ang kinaiba ng baby_song na ipinadala mo? Wala.
Siyempre akala ko naka jackpot ako sa’yo. Akala ko tama lang na inintay kita, na eto na yung senyales na “like” mo rin ako. Kawawawang bata, akala mababaw lang yung tubig, 12 ft. pala. Tumalon, tigok, tanga. Hindi pala marunong lumangoy.
Sabi nga ng ate ko, hayaan na raw kita. Suwerte pa raw ako dahil at least ako babae, mas madaling umiyak at maglabas ng sama ng loob. E ikaw, lalaki, diyahe. Marami raw kayong repressed material sa katawan.
O sige, hahayaan na kita, ako rin naman ang dapat sisihin. Pero gago ka talaga! Medyo masakit yung joke mo ha, hindi nakaaktawa! Pinaglaba pa naman kita ng panyo, ginawan ng reviewer sa history exam natin at pinagtanggol sa lahat ng nagsasabing mukha kang serial killer. Pag nakahanap ka ng katapat mo, iiyak ka rin! Mauubusan ka rin ng panyo.
Ikaw pa lang naman ang taong pinaglaba ko ng panyo.
Katatapos pa lang ng PE natin nun. Wala na kayo ng tropa mo, pero kami, nasa kuwarto pa rin. Lumakad ako sa lugar kung saan kayo naupo. At yun. Duon ko nakita yung panyo. Nakatiwangwang sa sahig. Naiwan. Parang iniwan dahil wala nang silbi.
Kinuha ko. Baka kasi burara lang talaga yung may ari. Isinuksok ko yung kulay maroon na panyo sa plastic bag ko ng PE props, at dalian ko rin shang nalimutan. Ang dami ko kasing dala nu’n e.
Mga dalawang araw ko ring hindi pinansin yung panyo. Pero, nung isang gabing dapat matutulog na ako pero iniisip pa rin kita, bumulaga siya sa isip ko. Lagi ka nga palang may panyo, baka sa iyo yun. Dali- dali kong kinalkal yung plastig bag ko ng PE props. Ayan nakuha ko na. Kulay maroon na may puting border. Hatinggabi na ata nu’n, pero nilaban ko ora mismo.
Hindi ko ginamit yung bareta. Hindi ko rin ginamit yung powder para sa washing machine. Ang ginamit ko, bath soap na mild. Baka kasi allergic ka sa mga matatapang na kemikal ng ordinaryong sabon. Hehe. Hindi ko pa nga siguradong iyo yun. Pero kahit na. Masaya pa rin ako dahil may pag uusapan nanaman tayo. Magpapasalamat ka sakin dahil binalik ko yung mamahalin mong panyo, tapos ngingitian mo ko.
* * *
Sabi ng kaklase kong kaklase mo rin, hindi raw tayo bagay. Siguro, inaasar lang niya ako dahil alam niyang crush kita. Sana nga. Pero ayun, hindi raw tayo bagay dahil mashado daw tayong pareho. Mirror- image daw. Parehong mahilig sa maingay na kanta, parehong mahilig mag drawing, parehong madaling araw na kung matulog. Hindi raw OK ang dalawang taong ganun. Pangit. Opposites attract, diba?
Naalala ko tuloy nung bago pa lang yung Weakest Link sa TV. Tuwing palabas yun, pinapanood natin tapos pinagti- tripan natin yung mga contestants na nauutal- utal. Iti- text ko yung pang- asar kong comment, tapos dadaigin mo. Ang galing mong manlait! Ang dami kong natutunan sa’yo!
Tapos, tapos na ang Weakest Link pero magkatext pa rin tayo. Kinukwentohan mo ko tungkol sa mga nabasa mong libro, tapos ako, kukwentohan kita tungkol sa mga pelikulang napanood ko. Astig. May isang gabi nga e, inumaga tayo. Pinasok ka na ng ermat mo sa kuwarto’t pinagalitan. Wala lang. Care Bears at He- Man lang naman ang pinag- “uusapan” natin. Minsan naman, pag bad mood ka, kukwentuhan mo ko tungkol sa heaven and hell at sa ultimate good and evil. Ang bigat pero oks lang. Ikaw naman yun, e.
Pero dati yun. Luma na Weakest Link ngayon e, si Allan K na nga ang host. Hindi ka na nagrereply sa mga text ko dahil, ewan. Siguro nagtitipid ka.
May isang beses nga, hindi mo ako pinansin ng mga isang linggo. E di muntikan na akong masiraan ng ulo. Inemail kita. Wala pa rin. Tatlo pang araw ang inintay ko (ang lupit mo, magkaklase tayo pero isa’t kalahating linggo mo kong hindi pinansin!). Sa wakas! Nagreply ka! Wow, abot tenga ang ngiti ko, ang haba kasi ng reply mo! Kuwento ka ng kuwento tungkol sa kung anu ano, yung teacher mong ayaw kang bigyan ng grade, yung maid niyong mahilig mang himasok sa buhay mo at yung mga taong nakakasira ng “diskarte” mo.
Sana hindi ako yun.
Masaya. Magka email na tayo. Wala namang pinagkaiba sa text dahil hindi pa rin kita makita’t marinig at madalang ka ring magreply. Pero, oks lang uli. It’s another way to your heart naman.
* * *
Inemail mo ako nung isang araw. Sabi mo kanta. Sabi mo death metal. Sabi mo mag eenjoy ako.
Hindi ko pinakinggan agad- agad. Ilang buwan na rin kasi tayong hindi nag tetext, sa mga buwan na yun sinubukan kong kalimutan ka. Sabi kasi nung mgakaibigan ko, puro gulo’t sakit ng ulo lang daw ang dala mo. Oo nga naman. Mahigit kumulang isang taon kong pinagnilay- nilayan ang mga posibilidad sa’ting dalawa. Isang lalaki, isang babae, secret friends sila. Magkasundo naman tayo diba? Sa email. Bagay naman tayo diba? Sa text.
Siyempre, hindi ko rin natiis. Nasa internet café nga ako nung pinakinggan ko yung kanta. Inintay ko yung sigaw na pambungad, o di kaya’y yung kalabog ng drums. Wala. Biglang may lumabas na graphics. Angel, tapos pusong tumitibok- tibok.
“You’re my honeybunch, my sweet cake…You’re my sweety pie… the apple of my eye.”
Paulit- ulit lang. Paulit- ulit lang. Paulit- ulit.
Walang sumigaw ng “oi- oi- oi”. Wala ding “pow- hu- hu- pow”.
* * *
Umiyak ako sa MRT. Konti lang naman. Bigla kasi akong naguluhan e, nagulat. Posible ba? Gayong, mahigit kuulang isang taon kong sinabihan ang sarili ko na huwag akong umasa. Baka naman gawa gawa lang ‘to ng isip kong sabik sa’yo? Hmmm… pwede. So nagdrama ako ng konti pa.
Tinext kita nung gabing ‘yon. Napakinggan ko na yung kanta. Astig. Paki explain (pa simple pa ako).
Himala, nag reply ka. “Harkhark. Tuwang- tuwa talaga ako jan. Hebi metal daw ano? Hahaha. Ano ieexplain?”
Saka ko natutunan na lahat ng ginagawa mo ay dapat kong intindihin ng face value lang. Harkhark. Ano nga naman ba ang kelangan mong iexplain? Joke diba? Mag- eenjoy ako! Ang labo ko nga naman.
Buti na lang nagpasimple ako. Madaling lusutan. “Ah. Kasi hindi ko na tinapos. Akala ko may hebi metal talaga sa dulo.”
Gago.
Nagdrama pa’ko ng konti pagtapos no’n. Sabi ko na nga ba e, imposible. Bakit pa kasi ako umasa- asa at the last minute? Ilang bese mo na ba ginawa yan dati? Ilang beses ka na bang nagtext ng pasaring at nag email ng tula? Marami. Ano naman ang kinaiba ng baby_song na ipinadala mo? Wala.
Siyempre akala ko naka jackpot ako sa’yo. Akala ko tama lang na inintay kita, na eto na yung senyales na “like” mo rin ako. Kawawawang bata, akala mababaw lang yung tubig, 12 ft. pala. Tumalon, tigok, tanga. Hindi pala marunong lumangoy.
Sabi nga ng ate ko, hayaan na raw kita. Suwerte pa raw ako dahil at least ako babae, mas madaling umiyak at maglabas ng sama ng loob. E ikaw, lalaki, diyahe. Marami raw kayong repressed material sa katawan.
O sige, hahayaan na kita, ako rin naman ang dapat sisihin. Pero gago ka talaga! Medyo masakit yung joke mo ha, hindi nakaaktawa! Pinaglaba pa naman kita ng panyo, ginawan ng reviewer sa history exam natin at pinagtanggol sa lahat ng nagsasabing mukha kang serial killer. Pag nakahanap ka ng katapat mo, iiyak ka rin! Mauubusan ka rin ng panyo.
Pakiusap
Tatlong araw na kaming magkakilala pero hindi ko pa rin lubusang maintindihan kung bakit nagparamdam siya. Sabi niya nagkakilala kami dalawang buwan na ang nakakaraan sa chat. Ako naman tanga, naniwala agad. Pakiramdam ko kasi totoo naman sinasabi niya o kahit hindi man, wala akong pakialam. Chatfriend ko lang naman siya gaya ng iba diyan. Pero ang pinagtataka ko, bakit nagtext siya sakin ng gabing nag-aaway kami (sa text) ng boyfriend ko, si EJ, na tulad niya nakilala ko rin sa chat.
Ang gulo ng buhay ko non. Mahal ko si EJ kung pagmamahal nga yon. Pero kung hindi man, siguro ay dahil gusto ko lang mag-enjoy. Masakit sa ulo ang may boyfriend!
Feeling ko mas madaling humanap ng ‘matinong’ kausap sa chat lalo na pag matiyaga ka lang magbabad sa computer. Hindi naman ako adik at mas lalong hindi ako frustrated na magkaboyfriend! Nagkataon nga lang na kaya kong magtiyaga hanggang 14 oras para makipagusap sa mga taong-pakiramdam-ko-niloloko-ako-pero-para-sakin-okay-lang. Sinasamantala ko ang pagkakataon na wala akong klase. Kahit na may exam, sige chat pa rin.
Napakaformal niya ng magpakilala. Naka full text pa! Feeling ko gentleman siya, kaya naman kahit nag-aaway kami ng boyfriend ko malugod ko pa rin siyang kinausap. Siguro sa tampo ko kay EJ napilitan lang akong itext siya. Pakiramdam ko kasi wala na rin mangyayari sa amin. Hindi ko alam kung kagagahan ang ikwento ko sa kanya ang nangyayari samin ni EJ ng gabing yon, pero naging magaan ang pakiramdam pakatapos non. Sa totoo lang kala ko kaibigan lang siya ni EJ na sinusubukan ako. Kaya naman sabi ko sa kanya nasa gimik lang ako kasama ang mga pinsan ko - na medyo may tama na ako dahil maramirami na rin ang naiinom ko etsetera, etsetera. Pero ang totoo nasa kwarto lang ako – nagmumukmok. Pilit na inaalis ang hinanakit kay EJ. Tangna. Wala rin naman akong magagawa kahit na sumigaw ako. Naisip ko na tumawa. Tumingin ako sa salamin. Nakangiti nga naman ako! Pero mas naawa lang ako sa sarili ko. Sabi ko sa sarili ko na kung nakaya akong ipagpalit ni EJ dahil sa magkalayo kami, dapat kayanin ko rin na kalimutan siya. Tanga ba ako kung tinamaan ako kay EJ, kahit na isang beses pa lang kami nagkikita?
Wala na akong nabalitaan kay EJ pakatapos non…
Dalawang araw na lang bago ang valentine’s. Manhid na ako. Pero nagparamdam na naman siya. Kinabahan ako dahil sa mga walang kwentang naming palitan ng I love you sa text. May kasama pang ‘so much.’ PWE! Pero, pumayag naman akong makipagkita sa kanya kahit na alam kong magulo pa rin sakin ang lahat. That time, parang kami na, pero hello?! tulad ng iba dyan sa text lang din. Hindi naman ako takot makipag-EB. Marami na akong nakilala at wala namang tumakbo sa kanila! February 16 yon. Nagpretend akong nagulat sa white roses na ibinigay niya na may ‘ I love you’ na nakasulat sa isang maliit na pulang karton na tiniklop. Pero bale wala sakin yon. Alam ko tulad rin siya ng iba na naghahanap ng babaeng bibiktimahin. Ilang beses na rin kaming lumabas o nagdate, whatever! Parati niya akong inihahatid sa bahay. Nakilala niya ang mga pinsan ko. Hiniling niya akong tumigil magchat. Hindi ko alam seryoso pala siya. Pero wala pa ring nabago sakin. Ang totoo, mas naging malala pa ko. MALALA. Gusto ko parating may kausap, kahit sino. Nakikipagkita sa iba. Kunwari hindi ko siya kilala at walang nagbabawal sakin.
Nanibago na lng ako kasi naging tahimik siya. Tinanong niya ako kung anong problema pero wala akong maisagot. Natatawa ako. Pero nakita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata niya. Noon lang ako natauhan. Sinabi niya sakin na seryoso siya at handa siyang magsakripisyo para lang magbago ako. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Nakiusap akong iwan na lang niya. Tinanong ako kung yon ba talaga ang gusto ko, pero pawang luha lamang ang sagot ko.
Noon ko naramdamang umiyak muli. Hindi dahil sa nasaktan ako kundi dahil alam kong siya lang ang nagpahalaga sakin nang ganon. Gusto ko siyang yakapin pero natatakot ako - natatakot na aminin sa sarili ko na hindi ko kayang gantihan ang pagsasakripisyo niya sakin lalo na ang tanggapin na pinaniwalang mahal ko siya. Hindi maitatanggi sa mga mata niya ang sakit na nararamdaman na habang nagsasalita ay unti unting pumapatak ang mga luhang tila kay tagal na pinigil. Nakiusap siya na mahalin ko. Pakiramdam ko ako na ang pinakamasang tao dahil hindi ako marunong magmahal at kailangan pang pakiusapan. Sa unang pagkakataon niyakap ko siya. Ramdam ko ang katawan niyang nanghihina na tila sa isang batang iniwan ng ina. Alam kong alam niya kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng yakap na yon at ng mga luhang unti-unting dumampi sa kanyang pisngi…
Hindi siya mahirap mahalin dahil hindi ko rin pinilit ang sarili ko. Manhid lang ako sa nararamdaman ko sa kanya dahil si EJ pa rin ang hinintay ko. Mahal ko na pala siya noon pa.
Sabado na naman. Nakaraan na ang isang linggo at wala akong nabalitaan tungkol sa kanya. Masakit lang, narealize ko siya pala ang ‘ ideal man ’ na hinahanap ko. Ang pagkakaiba nga lang, siya ang lumapit sakin.
Sumariwa sa isipan ko lahat ng nangyari, sabado rin ng nakaraang linggo. Sa oras na yon naalala ko kung pano ang isang lalaki ay nakiusap at umiyak na ako ang dahilan. Masarap sa pakiramdam pero hindi ko lubos maisip.
Makaraan ang ilang oras may nagtext sakin. Lumabas raw ako ng kwarto.
Niyakap ko siya.
Pero di tulad ng dati wala nang nakiusap…
Tatlong araw na kaming magkakilala pero hindi ko pa rin lubusang maintindihan kung bakit nagparamdam siya. Sabi niya nagkakilala kami dalawang buwan na ang nakakaraan sa chat. Ako naman tanga, naniwala agad. Pakiramdam ko kasi totoo naman sinasabi niya o kahit hindi man, wala akong pakialam. Chatfriend ko lang naman siya gaya ng iba diyan. Pero ang pinagtataka ko, bakit nagtext siya sakin ng gabing nag-aaway kami (sa text) ng boyfriend ko, si EJ, na tulad niya nakilala ko rin sa chat.
Ang gulo ng buhay ko non. Mahal ko si EJ kung pagmamahal nga yon. Pero kung hindi man, siguro ay dahil gusto ko lang mag-enjoy. Masakit sa ulo ang may boyfriend!
Feeling ko mas madaling humanap ng ‘matinong’ kausap sa chat lalo na pag matiyaga ka lang magbabad sa computer. Hindi naman ako adik at mas lalong hindi ako frustrated na magkaboyfriend! Nagkataon nga lang na kaya kong magtiyaga hanggang 14 oras para makipagusap sa mga taong-pakiramdam-ko-niloloko-ako-pero-para-sakin-okay-lang. Sinasamantala ko ang pagkakataon na wala akong klase. Kahit na may exam, sige chat pa rin.
Napakaformal niya ng magpakilala. Naka full text pa! Feeling ko gentleman siya, kaya naman kahit nag-aaway kami ng boyfriend ko malugod ko pa rin siyang kinausap. Siguro sa tampo ko kay EJ napilitan lang akong itext siya. Pakiramdam ko kasi wala na rin mangyayari sa amin. Hindi ko alam kung kagagahan ang ikwento ko sa kanya ang nangyayari samin ni EJ ng gabing yon, pero naging magaan ang pakiramdam pakatapos non. Sa totoo lang kala ko kaibigan lang siya ni EJ na sinusubukan ako. Kaya naman sabi ko sa kanya nasa gimik lang ako kasama ang mga pinsan ko - na medyo may tama na ako dahil maramirami na rin ang naiinom ko etsetera, etsetera. Pero ang totoo nasa kwarto lang ako – nagmumukmok. Pilit na inaalis ang hinanakit kay EJ. Tangna. Wala rin naman akong magagawa kahit na sumigaw ako. Naisip ko na tumawa. Tumingin ako sa salamin. Nakangiti nga naman ako! Pero mas naawa lang ako sa sarili ko. Sabi ko sa sarili ko na kung nakaya akong ipagpalit ni EJ dahil sa magkalayo kami, dapat kayanin ko rin na kalimutan siya. Tanga ba ako kung tinamaan ako kay EJ, kahit na isang beses pa lang kami nagkikita?
Wala na akong nabalitaan kay EJ pakatapos non…
Dalawang araw na lang bago ang valentine’s. Manhid na ako. Pero nagparamdam na naman siya. Kinabahan ako dahil sa mga walang kwentang naming palitan ng I love you sa text. May kasama pang ‘so much.’ PWE! Pero, pumayag naman akong makipagkita sa kanya kahit na alam kong magulo pa rin sakin ang lahat. That time, parang kami na, pero hello?! tulad ng iba dyan sa text lang din. Hindi naman ako takot makipag-EB. Marami na akong nakilala at wala namang tumakbo sa kanila! February 16 yon. Nagpretend akong nagulat sa white roses na ibinigay niya na may ‘ I love you’ na nakasulat sa isang maliit na pulang karton na tiniklop. Pero bale wala sakin yon. Alam ko tulad rin siya ng iba na naghahanap ng babaeng bibiktimahin. Ilang beses na rin kaming lumabas o nagdate, whatever! Parati niya akong inihahatid sa bahay. Nakilala niya ang mga pinsan ko. Hiniling niya akong tumigil magchat. Hindi ko alam seryoso pala siya. Pero wala pa ring nabago sakin. Ang totoo, mas naging malala pa ko. MALALA. Gusto ko parating may kausap, kahit sino. Nakikipagkita sa iba. Kunwari hindi ko siya kilala at walang nagbabawal sakin.
Nanibago na lng ako kasi naging tahimik siya. Tinanong niya ako kung anong problema pero wala akong maisagot. Natatawa ako. Pero nakita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata niya. Noon lang ako natauhan. Sinabi niya sakin na seryoso siya at handa siyang magsakripisyo para lang magbago ako. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Nakiusap akong iwan na lang niya. Tinanong ako kung yon ba talaga ang gusto ko, pero pawang luha lamang ang sagot ko.
Noon ko naramdamang umiyak muli. Hindi dahil sa nasaktan ako kundi dahil alam kong siya lang ang nagpahalaga sakin nang ganon. Gusto ko siyang yakapin pero natatakot ako - natatakot na aminin sa sarili ko na hindi ko kayang gantihan ang pagsasakripisyo niya sakin lalo na ang tanggapin na pinaniwalang mahal ko siya. Hindi maitatanggi sa mga mata niya ang sakit na nararamdaman na habang nagsasalita ay unti unting pumapatak ang mga luhang tila kay tagal na pinigil. Nakiusap siya na mahalin ko. Pakiramdam ko ako na ang pinakamasang tao dahil hindi ako marunong magmahal at kailangan pang pakiusapan. Sa unang pagkakataon niyakap ko siya. Ramdam ko ang katawan niyang nanghihina na tila sa isang batang iniwan ng ina. Alam kong alam niya kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng yakap na yon at ng mga luhang unti-unting dumampi sa kanyang pisngi…
Hindi siya mahirap mahalin dahil hindi ko rin pinilit ang sarili ko. Manhid lang ako sa nararamdaman ko sa kanya dahil si EJ pa rin ang hinintay ko. Mahal ko na pala siya noon pa.
Sabado na naman. Nakaraan na ang isang linggo at wala akong nabalitaan tungkol sa kanya. Masakit lang, narealize ko siya pala ang ‘ ideal man ’ na hinahanap ko. Ang pagkakaiba nga lang, siya ang lumapit sakin.
Sumariwa sa isipan ko lahat ng nangyari, sabado rin ng nakaraang linggo. Sa oras na yon naalala ko kung pano ang isang lalaki ay nakiusap at umiyak na ako ang dahilan. Masarap sa pakiramdam pero hindi ko lubos maisip.
Makaraan ang ilang oras may nagtext sakin. Lumabas raw ako ng kwarto.
Niyakap ko siya.
Pero di tulad ng dati wala nang nakiusap…
You. Me. Her.
I woke up to a loud ringing noise and realized that it was the blasted phone that was causing this ruckus at an unholy hour. I clicked on my bedside lamp and cracked one eye open to check the clock. It was three in the morning. I picked up the phone, half-knowing I’d hear your voice on the other end of the line. Who else would be calling my line on a time like this?
“Hello?”
“Krissy? Did I wake you?”
I hear your sad, but hopeful voice on the phone. Suddenly, a feeling of warmth spread all throughout my system. Your voice does that. It never fails to amaze me how much you can do with such little effort.
“Hey, Yosh… it’s three in the morning, how could you not wake me up?” I kidded, trying to lighten your mood.
I know why you’re calling again. I know that tone of voice too well. I know you too well.
“I know.” You whisper apologetically. But something else is on your mind. You do not really mean the apology you said, you said it just to fill the emptiness. “We broke up.”
I fought hard to push back the joy that’s bubbling over me. But I know I’ll be hearing more of this thing between you two. My temporary moment of happiness was cut off. Reality sank in. You. Her. When will it end? When will I stop hearing about her? But then again, before her, there were others, and surely, after her, there will be others too. That is, if you even get over her.
There was something about her, I remember you telling me that. Why is it that there’s always something in the girls you’ve liked that isn’t in me? If you combine all the somethings that these girls possess, I will be nothing in comparison.
But isn’t that what I am to you? Nothing? Nothing but your buddy. Your best friend who always sees you through.
Still I respond caringly.
“What happened?”
You take in a deep breath and everything starts flowing out.
She’s been distant lately and you don’t know what’s gotten over her. You tried talking to her but she wouldn’t open up. Things have been different between the two of you. You’re going crazy thinking about what it is you’ve done wrong, and how you could make it up to her. Tonight, you decided to cook her dinner and make her everything she wants. But you ended up fighting over petty things. Things that don’t even matter if you think about it.
I groan. How come the nice guys always end up being the slaves of these women? Can’t you see she can’t love you the way I do? Can’t you see she couldn’t give you the love you deserve? But I shouldn’t be thinking, I should be listening to you while you pour your soul out to me.
You flared up and asked her what she wanted, you were now saying over the phone. She suddenly went quiet and said she wanted her freedom. You felt your world suddenly crash around you. You couldn’t breathe for a moment.
“Do you love her?” I ask, afraid what I will hear might kill me.
“You know I’ve never been in love before. I love her so much. I don’t think I can bear losing her.” Your voice is cracking; I can feel the pain you’re going through. I forget the pain I feel for myself because of the pain I feel for you.
I can almost see you, frustrated, running a hand through your straight hair. Sitting in the dark, clutching to the phone as if it would save you from drowning into your sorrow.
I don’t know what hurts more, the fact that you’re suffering, or the fact that you’re suffering because of her.
Life can be so funny. Life can be so damn funny I want to cry. I want to cry for you and me, and all the things wasted in this world. Wasted because people can’t see clearly.
“It’s okay.” I say, not knowing what else to tell you. There is nothing more I could say or do to make you feel better. It’s unfair when you think of it.
She doesn’t do anything yet she means the world to you. I do everything and I don’t mean a thing to you.
Well, maybe I do. There were times I almost thought I mean more to you than what you let on. There were times I could almost feel you feel it too. Sometimes I thought I could be more than a best friend to you. Obviously, I was wrong.
“I don’t know…” Your voice is dripping with sadness. “I don’t think I can get over her. She was everything I could ever wish for. I love her so much.”
Damn you Yoshi. I whisper through gritted teeth.
Damn you for being so stupid.
Damn you for being so blind.
Damn you. Damn me. Damn.
I’m here. I’m here, can’t you see me? Can’t you feel me? I’m here, you idiot. What is wrong with you?
“Look,” I find myself blurting out. “Why don’t you sleep on it? I still have an exam tomorrow morning; I can’t afford to fail this one just because she couldn’t see how good she’s got it. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
I regretted those words the moment they came out of my mouth. I sounded a bit too bitter, a bit too harsh. “I’m sorry” I start to say.
“No.” You cut me off. “I’m sorry for being a pain… it’s just that you’re the only one who understands me. You’re the only one I could turn to, Krissy.”
I feel warmth all over my body again. But this time I shiver. Why do I shiver in the warmth? I hug my blanket closer to my chest. Why won’t your voice give me warmth now?
I look at my window; clouds are starting to cover the moon. Darkness is winning over light. I continued to stare for a while, hoping the clouds would stop, but they didn’t. Soon the moon was entirely covered with dark fluffy clouds. I sigh.
“I know, Yosh.” I barely whisper and put the phone down.
Because I DO know.
I know how it feels to have your world crash around you. I know how it feels to gasp in order to breathe. I know how it feels to love. I know, Yosh. You know why? Because every time I’m with you, I feel all of these. You do these things to me, repeatedly.
Yet I still stay.
Now, as I clutch my blanket, hanging on for dear life, I suddenly realize, maybe I need to stay away from you. You are my life, and you’re killing me. You’re killing me slowly.
Maybe it’s time.
I woke up to a loud ringing noise and realized that it was the blasted phone that was causing this ruckus at an unholy hour. I clicked on my bedside lamp and cracked one eye open to check the clock. It was three in the morning. I picked up the phone, half-knowing I’d hear your voice on the other end of the line. Who else would be calling my line on a time like this?
“Hello?”
“Krissy? Did I wake you?”
I hear your sad, but hopeful voice on the phone. Suddenly, a feeling of warmth spread all throughout my system. Your voice does that. It never fails to amaze me how much you can do with such little effort.
“Hey, Yosh… it’s three in the morning, how could you not wake me up?” I kidded, trying to lighten your mood.
I know why you’re calling again. I know that tone of voice too well. I know you too well.
“I know.” You whisper apologetically. But something else is on your mind. You do not really mean the apology you said, you said it just to fill the emptiness. “We broke up.”
I fought hard to push back the joy that’s bubbling over me. But I know I’ll be hearing more of this thing between you two. My temporary moment of happiness was cut off. Reality sank in. You. Her. When will it end? When will I stop hearing about her? But then again, before her, there were others, and surely, after her, there will be others too. That is, if you even get over her.
There was something about her, I remember you telling me that. Why is it that there’s always something in the girls you’ve liked that isn’t in me? If you combine all the somethings that these girls possess, I will be nothing in comparison.
But isn’t that what I am to you? Nothing? Nothing but your buddy. Your best friend who always sees you through.
Still I respond caringly.
“What happened?”
You take in a deep breath and everything starts flowing out.
She’s been distant lately and you don’t know what’s gotten over her. You tried talking to her but she wouldn’t open up. Things have been different between the two of you. You’re going crazy thinking about what it is you’ve done wrong, and how you could make it up to her. Tonight, you decided to cook her dinner and make her everything she wants. But you ended up fighting over petty things. Things that don’t even matter if you think about it.
I groan. How come the nice guys always end up being the slaves of these women? Can’t you see she can’t love you the way I do? Can’t you see she couldn’t give you the love you deserve? But I shouldn’t be thinking, I should be listening to you while you pour your soul out to me.
You flared up and asked her what she wanted, you were now saying over the phone. She suddenly went quiet and said she wanted her freedom. You felt your world suddenly crash around you. You couldn’t breathe for a moment.
“Do you love her?” I ask, afraid what I will hear might kill me.
“You know I’ve never been in love before. I love her so much. I don’t think I can bear losing her.” Your voice is cracking; I can feel the pain you’re going through. I forget the pain I feel for myself because of the pain I feel for you.
I can almost see you, frustrated, running a hand through your straight hair. Sitting in the dark, clutching to the phone as if it would save you from drowning into your sorrow.
I don’t know what hurts more, the fact that you’re suffering, or the fact that you’re suffering because of her.
Life can be so funny. Life can be so damn funny I want to cry. I want to cry for you and me, and all the things wasted in this world. Wasted because people can’t see clearly.
“It’s okay.” I say, not knowing what else to tell you. There is nothing more I could say or do to make you feel better. It’s unfair when you think of it.
She doesn’t do anything yet she means the world to you. I do everything and I don’t mean a thing to you.
Well, maybe I do. There were times I almost thought I mean more to you than what you let on. There were times I could almost feel you feel it too. Sometimes I thought I could be more than a best friend to you. Obviously, I was wrong.
“I don’t know…” Your voice is dripping with sadness. “I don’t think I can get over her. She was everything I could ever wish for. I love her so much.”
Damn you Yoshi. I whisper through gritted teeth.
Damn you for being so stupid.
Damn you for being so blind.
Damn you. Damn me. Damn.
I’m here. I’m here, can’t you see me? Can’t you feel me? I’m here, you idiot. What is wrong with you?
“Look,” I find myself blurting out. “Why don’t you sleep on it? I still have an exam tomorrow morning; I can’t afford to fail this one just because she couldn’t see how good she’s got it. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
I regretted those words the moment they came out of my mouth. I sounded a bit too bitter, a bit too harsh. “I’m sorry” I start to say.
“No.” You cut me off. “I’m sorry for being a pain… it’s just that you’re the only one who understands me. You’re the only one I could turn to, Krissy.”
I feel warmth all over my body again. But this time I shiver. Why do I shiver in the warmth? I hug my blanket closer to my chest. Why won’t your voice give me warmth now?
I look at my window; clouds are starting to cover the moon. Darkness is winning over light. I continued to stare for a while, hoping the clouds would stop, but they didn’t. Soon the moon was entirely covered with dark fluffy clouds. I sigh.
“I know, Yosh.” I barely whisper and put the phone down.
Because I DO know.
I know how it feels to have your world crash around you. I know how it feels to gasp in order to breathe. I know how it feels to love. I know, Yosh. You know why? Because every time I’m with you, I feel all of these. You do these things to me, repeatedly.
Yet I still stay.
Now, as I clutch my blanket, hanging on for dear life, I suddenly realize, maybe I need to stay away from you. You are my life, and you’re killing me. You’re killing me slowly.
Maybe it’s time.
Saturday, November 09, 2002
This was forwarded to me through email...it was just too good not for me to post...
"PARANG MAY KULANG"
nagising nalang ako isang umaga, naramdaman ko parang
>may kulang. kumain ako ng almusal, nakusap ko na lahat ng tao sa bahay,
>pero bakit ganito parang ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. pumasok ako sa
>trabaho nagiisip parin muntik na nga akong matisod sa kakaisip lang nito.
>tinanong nako ng mga katrabaho ko, ano ba meron sakin bakit ang tamlay ko.
>sabi ko hindi ko alam, di ko maintindihan. alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na
>parang may malaking butas sa sarili mo, tipong merong kilangang makapuno?
>yun ang naramdaman ko nung araw na yun, gusto ko na ngang sumigaw,
>magwala, malay ko ba kung ano lang ito. pero hindi ko ginawa, hindi naman
>dapat. mga bandang tanghali pagkatapos ng tanghalian, tumawag siya, lam mo
>na siya, yung lalaking minahal ko buong buhay ko pero iniwan ako para sa
>ibang tao, wala lang nangamusta lang labas daw kami pagkatapos ng trabaho,
>nagisip ako ng mabuti, kung papayag ako o hindi, naisip ko ano ba namang
>masama, nasa malayo naman nagtatrabaho ang girlfriend niya, parang
>malalaman diba? natapos ang araw sobrang excited ako, sinundo niya ako sa
>trabaho, kumain kami, nagusap, binalik ang nakaraan, sabi ko nalang wag
>nang pagusapan may buhay na siya, masaya narin ako sa buhay ko, kaibigan
>nalang maibibigay ko, ang drama pa nga sabi niya mahal pa daw niya ako,
>kumpara bako sa bago, mas mabait daw ako, mas maintindihin, mas
>understanding, sabi ko nga aba eh bakit mo sakin sinasabi yan, ano ito
>bolahan, natawa lang siya kahit hindi nakakatawa, nainis nga ako di ko
>nalang pinakita, pero kahit na nag usap kami nandun parin yung malaking
>butas nararamdaman ko parin, hanggang sa naisip ko baka kulang lang ako ng
>pagtawag sa kanya, pero hindi naman kse madalas ako tumatawag sa kanya,
>siguro naman kilala niyo na kung sino yun. naglalakad nakami pauwi,
>papunta sa auto niya, nakalimutan ko kahit sandali ang kulang na
>nararamdaman. napatawa pako sa mga biro niya, napalo ko pa nga sa
>kakatawa. biglang nag ring ang cellphone ko, kapatid niya umiiyak, sabi ko
>bakit kasama ko kuya mo, pauwi na kami. bigla siyang natahimik, tinanong ko
> bakit, at dahan dahan niyang sinabi.."pano nangyari yun eh si kuya
>nadisgrasya, na total wreck sasakyan niya..ate patay na siya" nabigla ako
>hindi ko maintindihan pano nangyari na patay na siya eh kasama ko pa, pag
>harap ko sa likod ko..nandun parin sha, ganun parin suot niya pero duguan
>na..napaluha ako, ngumiti lang sha at sinabi na "naramdaman mo na ba yung
>pakiramdam na parang may kulang hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit?" napa 0o
>na lang ako habang patuloy na lumuluha.."papunta ako sayo ngayon, dahil
>gusto kung sabihin na ikaw pala yun, yung kulang sa buhay ko..gusto ko na
>sana pakasal tayo..pero diba sabi ko naman sayo kahit anong mangyari gusto
>ko bago ako mamatay ikaw ang nasa tabi ko" tapos bigla nalang siyang
>nawala..bumigat lalo pakiramdam ko, napa upo ako sa lapag, wala nalang
>akong nagawa kung hindi umiyak..bakit kung kailan lahat ng sinabi niya
>tama sa pandinig ko, hangin nalang ang lahat ng ito...
"PARANG MAY KULANG"
nagising nalang ako isang umaga, naramdaman ko parang
>may kulang. kumain ako ng almusal, nakusap ko na lahat ng tao sa bahay,
>pero bakit ganito parang ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. pumasok ako sa
>trabaho nagiisip parin muntik na nga akong matisod sa kakaisip lang nito.
>tinanong nako ng mga katrabaho ko, ano ba meron sakin bakit ang tamlay ko.
>sabi ko hindi ko alam, di ko maintindihan. alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na
>parang may malaking butas sa sarili mo, tipong merong kilangang makapuno?
>yun ang naramdaman ko nung araw na yun, gusto ko na ngang sumigaw,
>magwala, malay ko ba kung ano lang ito. pero hindi ko ginawa, hindi naman
>dapat. mga bandang tanghali pagkatapos ng tanghalian, tumawag siya, lam mo
>na siya, yung lalaking minahal ko buong buhay ko pero iniwan ako para sa
>ibang tao, wala lang nangamusta lang labas daw kami pagkatapos ng trabaho,
>nagisip ako ng mabuti, kung papayag ako o hindi, naisip ko ano ba namang
>masama, nasa malayo naman nagtatrabaho ang girlfriend niya, parang
>malalaman diba? natapos ang araw sobrang excited ako, sinundo niya ako sa
>trabaho, kumain kami, nagusap, binalik ang nakaraan, sabi ko nalang wag
>nang pagusapan may buhay na siya, masaya narin ako sa buhay ko, kaibigan
>nalang maibibigay ko, ang drama pa nga sabi niya mahal pa daw niya ako,
>kumpara bako sa bago, mas mabait daw ako, mas maintindihin, mas
>understanding, sabi ko nga aba eh bakit mo sakin sinasabi yan, ano ito
>bolahan, natawa lang siya kahit hindi nakakatawa, nainis nga ako di ko
>nalang pinakita, pero kahit na nag usap kami nandun parin yung malaking
>butas nararamdaman ko parin, hanggang sa naisip ko baka kulang lang ako ng
>pagtawag sa kanya, pero hindi naman kse madalas ako tumatawag sa kanya,
>siguro naman kilala niyo na kung sino yun. naglalakad nakami pauwi,
>papunta sa auto niya, nakalimutan ko kahit sandali ang kulang na
>nararamdaman. napatawa pako sa mga biro niya, napalo ko pa nga sa
>kakatawa. biglang nag ring ang cellphone ko, kapatid niya umiiyak, sabi ko
>bakit kasama ko kuya mo, pauwi na kami. bigla siyang natahimik, tinanong ko
> bakit, at dahan dahan niyang sinabi.."pano nangyari yun eh si kuya
>nadisgrasya, na total wreck sasakyan niya..ate patay na siya" nabigla ako
>hindi ko maintindihan pano nangyari na patay na siya eh kasama ko pa, pag
>harap ko sa likod ko..nandun parin sha, ganun parin suot niya pero duguan
>na..napaluha ako, ngumiti lang sha at sinabi na "naramdaman mo na ba yung
>pakiramdam na parang may kulang hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit?" napa 0o
>na lang ako habang patuloy na lumuluha.."papunta ako sayo ngayon, dahil
>gusto kung sabihin na ikaw pala yun, yung kulang sa buhay ko..gusto ko na
>sana pakasal tayo..pero diba sabi ko naman sayo kahit anong mangyari gusto
>ko bago ako mamatay ikaw ang nasa tabi ko" tapos bigla nalang siyang
>nawala..bumigat lalo pakiramdam ko, napa upo ako sa lapag, wala nalang
>akong nagawa kung hindi umiyak..bakit kung kailan lahat ng sinabi niya
>tama sa pandinig ko, hangin nalang ang lahat ng ito...
Thursday, November 07, 2002
will revert to the previous layout muna. will work on the new one, kse i think it sucks pa eh.
....
check out vera's blog though. it has a new layout.
....
check out vera's blog though. it has a new layout.
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
ahhhhh having a make-over for this one sure takes a lot of work!
...
...
Saturday, November 02, 2002
on second hand, i might just change the layout if i become so darn lazy.
sunday already. no layout yet! well, im planning on moving somewhere, and stringing along this blog via FTP. gotta figure how it ALL works first though.
:-)
:-)
